The strength to release control in Random Thoughts

I may or may not make sense as i talk. Lately an amorphous “emotion” or set of emotions have been building up inside of me. I have tried to sit with it (but that is always hard, because one wants to figure it out), as well as try to make meaning from it. So far, i have only a few ideas and thoughts about what is happening within me. Part of it i find in the title of this entry, “The strength to release control.”

The odd thing about this is that i find that the back of my neck gets all cold and prickly when i talk/think about this.

Control. I have lived a life where i have had to maintain control of myself and my surroundings to be emotionally safe. Growing up in a neglectful household, the oldest of 4, i had to maintain control. When the toilet overflowed, or when the house was overrun by bugs, or when i burnt myself cooking and got huge blisters..... all when i was 11 or 12 and watching over siblings. I have been afraid to lose control. I have been through suicide of loved ones, emotional and sexual abuse, anxiety..... and the loss of control of self has been the thing i am most scared of.

Some of the most dark times in my life, when i hit that base fear. Those times in which i have such loss of control of the outside forces, those have been the darkest. That is when i have hurt myself. I used to do this when i was young, but i never have known why. As a child, i would bite myself a lot. Grind my teeth until my head was shaking with tension. Push my eyes in until i saw brightness and starts and, ultimately, darkness.

As an adult i have hit that strange dark point a couple times, all as a result of men. When my beloved Mark accused me of betraying him and refused to believe me even though i was 100% truthful. That cognitive dissonance put me into a place where i would have hurt myself (but didn’t). With Kevin, one night when he was drinking and whatever we were fighting about was so out of my control, so horrid, that i hurt myself, bit myself, bit him, was inconsolable. I pounded on my head, tore my hair. I don’t know why. Maybe i felt that if someone saw that it was so upsetting that i was hurting myself that it would stop. Also, with the one who abused me when i was ages 19-21. I remember being in that space, but not the details behind it (thank goodness).

These are events, emotions, that i have never shared, but i know are part of the autonomic/automatic/fight and flight reactions to a deep disturbance within me. Not to say that i am disturbed, but to just put it out there that whatever is happening to me is bringing up some pretty deep emotional and maybe even sexual trauma.

So, control. Walls. Surrender. Trust. My need to always have that control. Even when i was a wreck inside, you would never know on the outside, because i was the only one taking care of me.

I have this deep seated need to surrender that control. To have the strength to release that control. To trust someone so implicitly.... To allow someone in. For real and true. I know it sounds really strange. But i have these emotional walls within me that have kept me in an anxious state, kept me from learning to communicate effectively, kept me from being able to share my needs and wants effectively.

Now i just feel like i am rambling. Maybe making no sense. Maybe....