2:30am thoughts in Depression

Do you ever have thoughts that you’re afraid to think? Like oh shit no I can’t think that or it might be true.
Right now, at 2:27am, I am worrying about seeing my boyfriend tomorrow. I am wondering if that worry is wrong, and wtf why am I worrying to see someone I love? I haven’t seen him in ages, I should be excited. But my thoughts are maybe I’m not capable of love. Maybe I’m too broken and mentally fucked up to love someone else. What if I get stuck in a relationship again where it’s a chore to see him, and where I love him but more like how you love your pet fish kind of love. My thoughts are messed up, and a lot of it has to do with the worries about sex, but it’s not all about that. I kind of just want to lie in bed all day everyday. I don’t want to travel an hour to see a guy whom I love but am not sure if I know what love is or not. I want to cry and eat and cut but I can’t do that because it’ll make me want to cry and eat and cut.
I thought I’d be able to do this, to be an actual person and be part of peoples lives but it’s really hard. It’s difficult to do things when you’re crippled with anxiety about everything. And when you’re tired of putting on a smile because you don’t feel like getting into the fact that you’re falling apart. I’m just tired.

I kind of wish that my male could come over and we could just lie down together so I could be sad but be cuddled. I miss him, but the fact I haven’t seen him in about 3 weeks makes me nervous. But I don’t know why. I guess I’m not completely comfortable with him yet. I’m too nervous to be comfortable.

I’m sick of myself tbh. Kind of wish I could just be done with life. I’ve had enough of this shit