Time, money, crazy week. in Since OD is shutting down....

It’s been just a whirlwind of craziness this week. Between not getting enough sleep, work, my niece and trying to get my house cleaned up, I’m just exhausted. My niece stayed over last night and I still have her. She woke me up at 8:30 and I slept on and off until about 11 so I could cat nap and keep my eye on her. We’ve had a good day and I’m sure her Mom will come get her soon when she gets off work which will be nice because I need to take a shower.

I hung out with Eric a couple of nights this week and Thursday morning I woke up super tired and I don’t even know how I made it through the day. I got home about 9 and was sleeping by 9:30. I just couldn’t keep my eyes open any longer. I like hanging out with Eric but I feel like he’s a tad smothering. I like that he holds my hand and kisses me in public and that he’s patient but I get annoyed having to tell him that we don’t have to put a label on it yet and he always asks, “what the hell are we doing” and it’s like again, we are getting to know each other and taking it slow. I’m not in a hurry to make it official and I’m not ready to have an actual boyfriend yet. We ended on bad terms Friday night because he wouldn’t just let me fall asleep and wanted to keep talking about us and what’s going on. I got super frustrated when we were talking about my job and him saying something about how I could do so much better. It pissed me off because honestly, I like where I’m at. I like that I pay all my own bills and have cash every night. I know that he’s right but I’m just not ready to leave where I’m at and don’t want to spend any time really thinking about what I want to do once I leave this job because it really stresses me out, makes me overwhelmed and I have to worry about the whole social anxiety thing starting out somewhere else.

I finally got my check from that place I worked for a few days and it was only $58. I completely got ripped off because they only paid me for the hours I watched those stupid videos and not for the hours I actually worked which was about 6 of them. My paycheck was about half of what I expected but it’s whatever. I just know what I’ll never go back there wanting a damn job, that’s for sure. I’m pissed that I took a lot of time to get familiar with that place and going out of my comfort zone and then to know I didn’t get paid for all of it really upsets me. There’s nothing I can do about it so I’m trying not to dwell on it.

I got my bonus from my job and it was about $400. I about shit my pants when I checked my online bank stuff and saw that. They said it would be 2 different checks but it wasn’t so I don’t know exactly how much my check or bonus actually was and it’s like I’m happy about it so I can pay some bills and have some left over but now I’m scared my rent is gonna go up. That would really upset me because I already pay a huge amount for rent and it would be nice to actually have a little bit left in the fucking bank. I get sick of thinking I will actually get completely caught up and have a little left over and it never works out that way. I still have to get gas, get my nails fixed, get my oil changed and pay the rest of my cable bill and then pay my health insurance which will come out in about 5 days and then pay rent next time. I’m honestly sick of my checks not being enough to cover it so whatever I have extra money in the bank, it goes to the cover my rent! It’s like once they jack my rent up to a ridiculous amount, it fucking stays there and I don’t dare call and say anything because then they might count my bonus and then it will be even higher! Ugh, I’m so tired of paying a ridiculous amount for rent. I seriously don’t make a lot of money and yet, my rent never goes down and I haven’t even had manager hours on my checks in at least a month so I think it’s bullshit that they never readjust it.

It’s cold and windy here today but at least the sun is shining. Yesterday was a bitch because it rained all fucking day long. It rained all night too. The weather here has just been bullshit and I’m seriously over it. I miss hot days where I can actually enjoy being outside. Yesterday I dreaded going to work because it was so dark and gloomy and it makes me depressed. Ugh, just fed up with it. Today it’s at least bright out but the wind is cold.

It’s really nice to be off today and tomorrow. I have been craving a much needed break. I need to get the oil changed tomorrow though. I want to make an appointment for tomorrow afternoon because I want to sleep the fuck in. I am scheduled 11-7 on Saturday which is fine but need to let someone know I’m not going to work at our other location Thursday and Friday because it’s just too much. I’m just so tired. I hate having to work our other location simply because I’m not as comfortable but it’s a nice change of scenery too.

I’ve really tried to spend some time processing my feelings about Eric and try to figure out what I want. I know that I like having someone to spend time with, make love to and know that it means something to him too but I also have adapted really well to the single life and enjoying where I’m at in life. I know that at some point I do need to find a better job and that’s something else I put off thinking about or dealing with but right now there’s just so much going on and I’m always so tired so it’s hard to worry about anything on top of all the other things I have to deal with everyday. I feel bad knowing Eric wants me to be his girlfriend but I just think he has a lot to figure out in his personal life before adding someone into it. He has a stable place to live but he still doesn’t have a car and has admitted to making “poor” choices. I also don’t like how he doesn’t have any money so I have to feed him when he’s around because it’s always after I get off work and I’m hungry too and I wasn’t raised to eat in front of someone but I also don’t want him thinking that he’s just going to come over and mooch food every time we hang out either.

I’m just not comfortable dating someone who is in that kind of predicament. I was getting groceries the other night and he was with me. He said something about how he doesn’t have any money on his card and it kinda pissed me off. It’s like okay so you just expect me to buy food and share with you?! I also get pissed because when he’s over here, he doesn’t clean up after himself whatsoever no matter how many times I’ve said something about it. I think he really has no clue what it takes to be with someone and I’m not going to be in a relationship with someone who has no real intentions with me. I honestly think he’s just lonely and just wants to fill that void. I also just don’t want to waste my time and that’s why I don’t hang out with him much as I just don’t see myself developing romantic feelings for him. It’s also super annoying how he drinks on the nights we don’t hang out. I think he is just so used to being this way that he doesn’t understand that someone like me isn’t going to put up with it because I see it being another headache like past relationships have been.

I think my biggest issue is I don’t want to invest in someone again and then wind up being hurt and used like before. I already see issues with Eric because he doesn’t spend money on me at all and just expects me to waste my gas to pick him up and have him eat my food. I just get so annoyed with this shit that it keeps me from wanting to hang out with him more so he’s usually pretty annoyed because we don’t hang out as much as he would like to. I just can’t afford for someone to come over and eat my food every night and also leave a mess behind to boot. I just get so annoyed with people who have no pride or manners at all. I’m sick of men just being fucking mooches and expect me to not say anything. I already told him I’m super tired tonight and don’t have food or gas. It still doesn’t deter him from wanting to hang out though, he responds with, “I can come to you” which means I would be stuck with him until I take him home and I’m just not doing that.

----Anyways, my niece went home about 3 hours ago so I’ve just been watching tv, took a shower and just been relaxing. Eric is bugging to hang out but I told him I’m just too tired. He said something about how he wanted to eat pizza, cookies, drink soda and watch movies but I told him all that was gone and he should bring some but he doesn’t get paid until Wednesday but that just meant he wanted to come mooch more of my food?!! Uh, yeah that’s just not going to happen.