Changes and Eric. in Since OD is shutting down....

So I’ve decided that starting today I’m gonna get back on my diet all the way and stop convincing myself that I need fast food or junk food. It’s gonna be a hard habit to break because I’ve been eating this way for the past couple of months but I’ve been on the Belviq again for about 4 days and realize that I can’t just depend on that to help me lose weight. I know that I’m an emotional eater but if I can go months without eating crap, then it shouldn’t be too hard to do that again. My back has been hurting like crazy again and I know it’s from my diet and smoking. I also plan to not buy any more cigarettes as well. I need to let go of these unhealthy habits and get myself back to a good place.

It’s a really cold, foggy day here so that means we will more than likely be pretty busy tonight which is great because I need to make another $60 to cover my car payment. I also have like $98 in my bank account and really need to quit spending money as soon as I earn it. I want to start saving money and get my credit card paid down because I owe about $1,300 right now. I’ve spent a lot on gas, groceries, bills and stuff online but I need to stop. I look forward to buying stuff because I never go do anything. Ugh, I’ve started to realize that I do have a lot of bad habits and it’s time to start being more aware of my spending and my eating.

I had my Mom take my stuff into my old job yesterday so that I can get paid and I’m hoping they will just mail me my paycheck so that I won’t have to talk to them. I feel bad for having my Mom do it because she said that it was an awkward experience because she walked in and they were all staring at her! Like, wow! That is so rude and it really pisses me off.

My back is fucking killing me and I need to stop and get some ibuprofen and Tylenol PM after work. I also work at 10:30 the next 2 days and then 11 on Saturday. I hate working during the day because I have to get up early but then I get off at like 4pm and then have the rest of the day to do whatever and I do like that. I am just really concerned with my weight and want to start trying really hard to do what I need to do so I can feel comfortable in my own skin. I feel like have everything I could ever want except being overweight and it’s driving me crazy. I just keep telling myself that I’ve had months to eat whatever I wanted and now the vacation is over.

I’ve applied online to a bunch of places and the main one I want is to be an animal cop. I really want to work with animals, even if it’s just to help them have a better life. I really hope I get it. My Mom applied and they called her for an interview but she turned it down because it’s only part time. I think that would be great because then I can still work my other job part time and would do just fine financially. I’m just really worried about my financial stuff because I have hardly any money in the bank and one of my paychecks goes right to my rent. The other check usually covers my other bills and I need to stop spending as much as I do. It’s just hard because there’s always something that I want but my house is already full of stuff and I need to stop. I think it’s just I like to buy stuff because I couldn’t for so long but I need to get out of that mindset!

I finally had enough of Eric’s shit and blocked him. He was just really annoying with how he couldn’t take no for an answer and just didn’t listen when I said he couldn’t stay at my house and would turn around and say, “your mean” and it’s like okay well you are the one that has chosen to blow your money and make poor choices so I’m sorry that I refuse to suffer for that!!!! He blew up my phone last night when I was sleeping so I blocked him this morning. I’m sorry that this guy isn’t in a good place (due to his own choices) and I’m not budging about letting him stay with me. I seriously can’t have house guests and was sick of repeating myself. He’s just another person that wants to mooch and I wasn’t about to let him mooch off of me!

I got super pissed last night because he kept messaging me so I kept having to take my phone out of my pocket and at one point, lost my debit card because of it. Thank God someone at work found it and put it in a register so I was relieved when I mentioned it and someone went and got it for me! I finally told him to fucking stop because I was at work and he still didn’t!!!! His persistence became a real annoyance and I was sick of it because I don’t want to be with him! I don’t know if he thought if he kept bugging I would eventually give in but it actually made me dislike him even more because he wasn’t respecting my boundaries. I’m also still not over how he talked to me that one night when he was “mad” and I refuse to ever deal with another guy that would talk to me with such hate and disrespect!!! Not gonna happen! I’ve dealt with enough emotionally abusive men that I would rather be single for the rest of my life then go through that again!!!!

I’m also stressed about work because now that I told my boss I won’t work with that girl, I’m worried that I’m not going to get enough hours. I’m only scheduled for 25 hours this week and that’s not enough. I’m going to have to make up hours at the other store or something. I have to get at least 30-35 hours a week or I’m just not going to make enough money! I just think it’s bullshit that I have to deal with this all because that bitch had to be evil that one night! I don’t think it’s fair that I have to sacrifice my hours just so I can avoid her! Ugh, I really hope I get that job being an animal cop so I won’t have to worry as much! I’m definitely stressed about this but I’m hoping I will either stay late on Saturday or can work a few hours at our other store. I just hate having to worry about this all because of some stupid bitch! If it wasn’t for her, I could stay late Thursday and Friday but she closes those nights and I’m just not gonna deal with her and her bullshit. I care way too much about my job and my paychecks to end up losing my job over her! I know that it’s in my best interest to not work with her and have to worry about her picking a damn fight like she did before, it’s just not worth it!

I’ve realized that I’m not exactly where I would like to be in life because I quit school and I can’t go back until I pay off my student loans or pay for a full semester out of pocket. College was just way too fucking hard and every semester it just got harder. I know that with a college degree I could have ended up with a better job, an actual career but I’m gonna just keep putting in apps and see what comes up. I get tired of the job I have but financially, it’s the best fit for me for now. I know that once I get my credit card and car loan paid down, I do want to find something else. I do want better for myself. I know that I’m very grateful for my job because I was a loser for so long with no self esteem and now I’m at a place where I am a manager and can help out when I’m needed but it’s not a career. I want to work for a place where I don’t have to worry about tips and where I would actually advance. I also want to lose weight so that I can handle being on my feet for 8-10 hours a day at a real job. I’ve let myself fall down into a shitty place physically and I need to make real effort to change.

I’m happy that I’ve kept a job for 18 months and it’s made me a better person where I actually have a backbone now and don’t feel like I just have to be nice anymore. Honestly, I’m not the nicest person anymore and I like that I can just be myself now. I can say that I have self esteem and confidence now, enough that I want to real job. I do want better for myself and I know that someday I will have it. I don’t regret quitting school but sometimes I do because I don’t want to work shitty jobs forever either. I just want to get myself in a good place financially and then worry about a new job.

It’s nice to say that I like where I’m at in life but I’m not exactly where I want to be. I know that I’m a completely different person than I was last year and I will be a different person next year but I just want to have a job that I will actually get raises and not have to work literally all the time to make a decent paycheck, tips or nah. I like what I do and feel comfortable there but don’t want to just plan on being there forever either. I am very grateful that I get help with my rent or I don’t know how I would make it especially starting next month, I will have to pay electric again and soon, student loans. The bills just never stop and it does get really stressful and overwhelming.

I hate having to pay for health insurance because it doesn’t help when you still have to pay to see the doctor and pay for medications. I think it’s a fucking joke. I also think it’s bullshit to pay for dental when I still got a bill for $66 so I don’t think having the insurance paid for anything and the bill that I have is more expensive than when I didn’t have coverage at all!! I think it’s bullshit that it’s just an added expense when you still pay a shitload out of fucking pocket!! I think it’s just like this because the government doesn’t want anyone to get ahead. They want to make sure everyone stays poor and then wonders why people get as much welfare as possible! Ugh, all of this just pisses me off.

I’ve showered and I have to get ready for work soon. I also need to call my dr and have them call in my Metformin and Tramadol. I am in need of these so hopefully they can get them called in soon, It’s now the 8th and I still have yet to see my period yet again. I’m really sick of having to worry about this every month. I know it’s coming because I’ve had acne and been craving sweets but I’m really getting sick of worrying about it. They said it’s because of my weight but it’s been like this for over a year! Ugh, I just wish I could handle being on birth control because then it would come when it’s supposed to.

Anyways, I’m gonna finish getting ready for work..hoping I make a decent amount of money tonight…