For the record... in Every day scata

Don’t say “fuck you” to me, ever. It will open the gates of hell that sit inside me and I am not afraid to unleash on you. It hits a raw nerve, and I will jump for your throat, teeth bared.

Let’s go back. Fuck it, lets just post the conversation, shall we?
Bold is me, italics is, or was my friend.

Sorry sweeite. I’ve not been well at all… mentally or physically
This is not a two way street and I’m tired of putting more into friendships and relationships then I get in return. Feel better.
You are right, and I am sorry. I’m assuming you either didn’t get my birthday card, or threw it in the trash as soon as you got it. I’ve kind of given up on everything lately. I haven’t been living, I’ve barely been surviving. I have to force myself to eat, and I can’t seem to sleep through the night, despite my meds. I am depleted physically to the point I’m not losing fat, but muscle mass. I can’t seem to think straight, especially the past few days, and got so weak yesterday I almost passed out. I haven’t really cared if I lived or died, and the only things I pay any attention to are P and the dogs. I know that nothing that I have just said makes me not talking to you right, but I just … I don’t know, wanted to offer an explanation of my actions.I go into the shrinks office and lie to her… I don’t dare go to the doctor because I don’t want a fucking lecture.
I lie to P, I lie to myself, lie to friends and family and just say “everything is fucking fantastic” when I’ve just not cared for much.
Maybe you need to stop lying to everyone then. And no, I didn’t get your card.
Well fuck. I sent it out last week.
And I can’t stop lying, because I just think that no one really cares, anyways. All I do is freakin’ complain, and I’ve made everyone sick of me.
So “everything is fine” is all that comes out.
I saw your pot roast this morning… looked good
I’m going to send your message to P and tell her she needs to get you to a hospital or I call 911
Please don’t I’ll be ok… I’ve actually eaten today, and I feel a bit better than yesterday or the day before.
She is working… I can’t have her worried. I haven’t cut or anything like that.
So I’m not as bad off as I usually am. It’s just hanging around a lot longer than usual.
Please please do not message her.
I’m literally begging you
You rather I call 911?
No! Don’t… I can’t afford to miss work. I can’t afford to be in the hospital for anything. I’m not going to do anything rash, unless it’s finding a rock to crawl under.
I’m holding out for class tonight. It usually helps. It’s more like a group therapy thing
lol talking to you has made me cry… and I haven’t been able to. So maybe it’s a good thing?
I feel like I just poured out everything:/ I haven’t told the bipolar group a thing either, because they worry too much.
I just don’t want people to worry, because I’ll be fine, and complaining about work in 12 hours.
I’m so so so sorry…
I get burnt out, because I just don’t get a break from… everything.
You need to stop lying to yourself and everyone else
GET HELP
Ok… if I call and make an appointment with my therapist, would it make you happy?
No because what’s gonna stop you from not lying???
you do have a point.
I’m sorry I keep fucking up our friendship.
Stop being sorry and do something to actually help yourself
You’re tougher than I am.
And I am trying, today I am trying…
Want to hear something horrible though?
Which probably doesn’t help the way I have been physically feeling?
What?
I didn’t drink coffee for two days Just couldn’t stomach it
You still need to eat. And you still need to go to the damn dr and stop lying to them
I’ve had food today… a huge bowl of oatmeal, and a banana, and a hunk of cheese.
You’re not even listening. If you don’t want to help yourself then I don’t know what you want D.
:sigh: I am helping myself… I need to get back on track, and like you said, stop lying to everyone about how I’m feeling. grr. I hate this shit, y’know?
Start with yourself and your doctors
Ok… so how the hell do I stop lying to myself? I mean, I just keep saying the same thing I’ve said for friggin years. That I’ll be fine blah blah blah. And I’m sorry, I’m totally unloading on you.
You need help Diane and you’re lying to yourself that you don’t
I feel like I’ve pushed you too far.
?
That you have just had enough of my bullshit
No I just want you to get help D so you can get better
And I will, starting with saying I’m not ok. I won’t make light of it… and I will talk to Pam when she gets off work.
Tyson hates when I cry.
Are you crying because you don’t want me to call 911 or tell P or are you crying for another reason? I’ve been in your shoes D you forget this
I’m crying because I’ve been holding everything in for friggin WEEKS now. And I just totally puked everything out to you.
And I still don’t want you to call 911, or tell P. I can’t do that right now. She is working, and can’t afford to miss either.
Yet another worry that is on my mind.
Well if you’d do what needs to be done then you wouldn’t have to worry would you???! I mean seriously, the doctors who are there to help you cant do shit for you if you don’t tell them what’s wrong!
You’re right, again.
I’m just always afraid of what might happen, like you said, if I were honest, I wouldn’t have to worry about it right now.
But you’re still not going to do what you need to do. You’re just telling me what I want to hear so I won’t do anything that you don’t want.
I swear I am not… but I do need to talk to P about it all first… tonight, after work. And I promise to do that. I have to do this my way, and talking to her is always the first step, y’know?
Then go talk to her. She gets a lunch break doesn’t she?
She get’s a break around 2 I think.
After you talk to her she needs to send me a Facebook message
Ok. That sounds reasonable, if she has enough time to do so… I’ll eat up her break time.
don’t yell at me
Do it anyway and finish the conversation later
ok
I’m dead serious D
I need a smoke. bad.
brb
:sigh: Well that isn’t good.
What?
I sent P a message about letting me know when break is, and she doesn’t know. Which pisses me off, because I feel like she is blowing me off.
She won’t blow me off…
DO NOT SEND HER A MESSAGE
Please, I’m serious
I know you’re pissed off at me, but I’m begging you, don’t.
I’d don’t care about your shouty caps
lol that is kind of funy
funny.. shouty caps.
Really though, don’t
I can’t have her not be able to concentrate on her job…
E, please
Promise me you won’t…
Don’t ok? just… don’t.
You’re starting to push me the other way, so.. don’t.
I know you are trying to help, but I need to do it… I am the one that needs to do it, ok?
please don’t ignore me
What
forget it. I can’t trust you right now. I’ve said too fucking much
I can’t trust you to not message P, I can’t trust you to not jump the gun on me.
Fuck you…I’m cleaning up my damn kitchen
Thanks, see you, friend. I don’t take kindly to shit like that. Fuck you very much, and thanks for letting me unload and now feel like a total fucking idiot. I don’t know why I fucking bother. Don’t fucking worry about me. I’ll stop fucking lying to myself and others and get the fucking help I fucking need. FUCK YOU too, Miss Erica. Happy fucking birthday.

So that was my day. How was yours?

Last updated May 08, 2015