Atmosphere in Random Thoughts

The soundtrack to the past couple weeks has been a Minneapolis based alt-hip hop band, Atmosphere. This album is permeating my dreams and seeped into my brain cells as i accomplish day-to-day activities.

A while back i re-read the entries that have brought me to this place, this me. Alternatively, i feel as if i have come out of a fog, found my free-spiritedness, reconnected with what i love about myself. Underpinning it all is sadness, and a fear that i cannot maintain “me” without the emotional support (of some sort or another) of a man. This will be the continued explorations and dealings of my counseling for the rest of this school year and summer (or as long as i remain in this town).

Let me paint you a picture of me, as i have been this past couple weeks. It is near the end of my spring break. My plans were to leave last Saturday with a girlfriend and take a road trip to Glacier National Park in Montana (a 10 hour drive broken into a couple days seeing family along the way). Well, my gf bailed on me the day before, and while i was annoyed, i was also gleeful at the prospect of doing the trip on my own. Here it is in flashes-
- Toyota Corolla chuggin it over 4th of July pass in the crazy scary snow, only to find the magical blue skies of Montana on the other side:)
- Two nights of beers with my airbnb hosts, who ended up being friendship material!
- Driving the newly opened (from winter) back roads of Glacier, trying to make it to Canada, but being denied because my adventurousness does not include steep scary snowy dirt roads
- Warming my bare breasts as i drive back highways through Montana and Idaho
- Dreams of driving the “Going to the Sun” road through Glacier, once it opens up this summer. I mean, who can say no to a road with such an enchanting name

There is a little of it. On my last leg (yesterday), i drove another back highway along the Columbia Gorge and felt free. Windows down, music loud, hair flying in the wind. I felt that it was ok to be kinda messed up, it is ok to not make any comittments, its ok to tell the people that i need to tell that i just need me right now.

But to be honest, i am not just with me right now. I reconnected this powerful attraction to someone i was seeing before/as i met Kevin. I couldnt be friends with him while i was with Kevin, because the sexual connectivity was electric and undeniable. I am not looking to get into a relationship, but to experience the treatment that i deserved for the past few years. Dios thinks i am sexy, loves my style, my intelligence, respects me, appreciates my generosity. He also demands communication and truth. He expects me to tell him what i find desirable and arousing so that he can use it to or mutual benefit. Its pretty amazing, though i know that we will have that conversation (which we kind of did when i saw him a couple weeks ago) where he tells me that he is finally at a point where he wants to meet and settle with someone. I am highly attracted to him, but the truth is .... i wonder why its me that he really wants. This happened before (back in 2011/2012 when i was doing my masters in Eugene and my nephew was living for me and i fell hard for Kevin, totally ignoring the red flags..... and i fell hard for Kevin....what was is about him when Dios was there, treating me like a queen). Dios told me that i showed him that he could love someone after his heart was broken by his ex.

So, there ya go. I try. I dont even know what to say from here.....except that i will be back to write more.