So much to say in Torridaussity Two

So life has been a mixed bag of emotions lately and I have so much to say so I guess I will break it into topics by paragraphs.

Family…still worried about my parents. My mom is being forced to retire in May and she needs to work because my parents need the money. She is 68 and so finding another job with her health limitations is going to be hard. My grandfather is doing well from his heart surgery, but ever since Helen (his girlfriend) passed away he is not quite the same. My brother is stepping up and being a more productive member of the family so that is a positive.

Health…I have been having some crazy muscle problems. My shoulder has frozen twice and a tendon in my foot is constantly spasming. My auto immune disorder is flaring and I am blistering again and I know it is from the stress. Nothing too bad, just problems I don’t need and if the blistering continues I will have to go on stupid medicines with stupid side effects.

Work…my school client is having a very bad time right now and 3-4 times a day is having these major violent outburts where she hurts herself and damages property and on Friday she bit me and kicked me. I am ok just sore. The bite thankfully was through my sweater and shirt and so I felt it, but it left not lasting impression. A few years ago I was bitten three different times by a client directly on my arm and man did it take a long time to heal. I am mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted at the end of the school day and then I work 3-4 hours 3 nights a week after school with another kid who is also mentally exhausting. They can’t help it, I know this and that’s what makes it so exhausting because I wish I could help them and fix them, but autism isn’t like a virus that can be treated and made to go away.

Love life…if you can call it that. There are the ever present M and ARJ. M is his usual flirty over the borderline self and I am used to that. ARJ has a new job and we don’t talk as often he is working over 70 hours a week and isn’t happy and one day I sent him a picture of me smiling saying here is a smile to make your day brighter. He called me gorgeous. I jokingly said if you compliment me like that every time I send a picture I will send one every day cause you made me smile and he said fine by me with a winky face. Well we were chatting on facebook/flirting and I sent him a picture of me again (these are not naughty pics by the way lol) and he said how beautiful I was again and said promise me something and I was getting ready for him to say promise you won’t fall for me or that you will always be a friend etc. etc. etc. and he blew my mind…he made me promise that I send him a picture of me everyday. I had to ask him if he was serious he said yes please promise me. So tell me readers what does that mean to you? I don’t ask people who are just my friends to send me a picture everyday. I want to come out and say what am I to you where do you see this thing we have going? I am too exhausted to care. I think because I am not in a place to have a real relationship I am ok with being in limbo with him. I have sent him a picture everyday since and he says the sweetest nicest compliments with each one. And finally to throw another loop my way, second chance Matt has come back for a third chance. He made yet another profile on OK Cupid and basically said he wants another chance. Right now I told him I am not in a place where I even want a relationship or could handle one and so I said I would email him as a friend that is it. He said ok, but I will wait and see how long that will last. If he wanted me so bad why didn’t he make an effort during the 2 chances I gave him?

Lastly…my emotions in general. Today I was at my friends’ daughter’s birthday party and almost burst into tears when I was watching all of the moms and dads with their kids and thinking I want that…I want my child to come grab my hand with excitement to show me something. I want to hold my child in my arms, I want so many things, but I may never get them. I am soon going to be 35 have never had a boyfriend despite trying many different dating sites, blind dates, meeting people in person. My PCOS and auto immune disorders will make getting pregnant harder than the average woman and the older I get the harder it will get. I just lately have been really sad about things in general.

So that’s it my life in 5 tidy paragraphs. Thanks for reading, not judging, and caring. <3

Last updated April 26, 2015