15-04.08.76 in Book Two: The Fifteenth Year of the Third Millennium of the Common Era

Bollocks. Couldn’t sleep at all last night. Wretched combination of thoughts and anxieties and an overall very stiff body. My head was swirling with the desire to stay grounded but also hopeful… a difficult contradiction against which to struggle. I am trying to determine my own heart and it is complicated. I want my wife to say “I love you”… I want my wife to comprehend that I am a creature with emotions… and I most assuredly want my wife to realize I am a sexual being and that even a kiss or a slight flirtation could carry me through some days. The almost robotic coldness is difficult to deal with. And that’s why we’re trying the therapy thing. But… as I mentioned earlier… I am trying (struggling, really) to keep my feet on the ground. I really can’t stay in a relationship where my wife doesn’t acknowledge that I am an entity with emotional and physical wants/needs. So I’m stuck in the great battle between head and heart… my heart dearly wanting to demand that the marriage will persevere no matter what; while my head reminds me that while Marriage might involve sacrifice, there comes a point where the other side starts chipping in to that as well.

It doesn’t help, of course, that it is April 8th. In approximately one week, I’ll have the results of the bar examination. And… despite all of my studying and everything else… I just get this incredibly strong feeling that says, “How is the rest of your life going right now?” As if to say… you really expect to get good news in the middle of all of this shit?! Really?! So I’m also trying to temper my personal inner contradictions there as well. The hopeful part that wants and needs to start building my career… the part that knows how hard I studied… against the part that knows how difficult the exam is and remembers how many questions were a struggle.

That just seems to be my struggle right now. In one box I have everything I need. In another box I have everything I want. And I’m stuck in between hopefully optimistic and cynically depressed over realism. Seems to be an appropriate place/description. I certainly feel like I’m in a Purgatory-like Limbo.

But… we pick ourselves up and march forward. The Drone Ants must do as they must do and so shall I. Off to work and AM Court, again. Which didn’t help matters, of course. Usually, I don’t mind the whole “Here are criminals” thing. I mean… this is what I passionately want to do with the rest of my life. But today? It was just different. It was watching people who made obviously shitty choices and… feeling like there wasn’t that much difference between where we both were. Like… kid dropped out of High School and never finished… several shoplifting convictions… wife/kids/job… and I’m thinking “that’s more than I’ve got right now.” Just… court today definitely brought up the Two Face. That feeling that there is no cosmic justice, no karma, nothing to balance the scales… that the only controlling factor in the grand scheme of things is chaos and chance.

After work, checked Facebook (because I’m on that website way too damned much) and it appears that Nebraska and Montana announced their Bar Scores today. All of my friends that had to retake those specific exams passed. I’m super happy for them! I double checked to make sure the Iowa Scores weren’t up and… they aren’t. So… Iowa is sticking to their announced schedule. One more week before I find out. Lots of me is genuinely very happy for my friends. But I have to confess… if I do fail the exam this time? That will make me feel that much worse. Last time… I felt better about my failure knowing that my friends had the same struggles. If I fail this time? I’ll feel like “the dumb friend.” Maybe I shouldn’t but… there it is.

Then… my day got… dull, I suppose. Had to go back to work for a pointless check up on some paperwork… then to the bank to deposit a $3 dividend check from Disney/Marvel… dishes and food and video games.

Here is a song that has been stuck in my head today: