15-04.04.75 in Book Two: The Fifteenth Year of the Third Millennium of the Common Era

Oh, I am a shitty friend.

I was invited to a Birthday thing tonight. It will be at Dave and Busters… a place I enjoy, though it is a bit expensive. Also, the place is a twenty minute walk from my place… or about a 5 minute drive. But… the birthday is for someone I don’t know well. I was floored when they invited me… and I presume it is her attempt to get to know me better. There are 15 people who RSVPd that they would be there… I know three of them.

But I don’t think I’m going to go. Yes, I RSVPd in the affirmative and one of the people I know that will be there expressed happiness that I was getting out of the house as these people have not seen me since before I took the Bar Exam… but I would be going by myself (sans Wife) since the wife works and… especially right now… I don’t want to go to a party where I don’t know many people… lie openly when questions like “how are you?” “found a lawyer job>” or “excited for bar results?” come up.

This is truly a TWO FACE moment. Precisely 50.0000000 % of me wants to go. Play video games, see a few smiles, purchase some exceedingly over priced drinks, the whole thing. Precisely 50.0000000 % of me does not want to go. I’d feel alone, I’d be awkwardly playing my solo games looking anti-social, and I’d be actively avoiding sensitive topics. So… since going would require me to take another shower, put on nicer clothes, and leave the house… I’m not going to go. But it makes me feel like such an douchey friend. I mean… I haven’t spent time with other people (besides Destiny Raids and Work) since before the Bar Exam. GAH. Stay Go Go Stay. Every logical element in me says stay. I have video games here that I can play. I have alcohol here that I can drink. The only thing that would be missing by staying here is the social aspect and frankly… not certain I’d really get that much of a social aspect from going. So, I think I’m going to stay. Yeah. Probably.

To discuss briefly a bit more about last night… I talked to the wife about what the therapist told me. Wife was thoroughly shocked as the therapist had not been so “doom and gloom” with her. I suggested that the “doom and gloom” was for me so that I wouldn’t cling to the hope that this marriage could be saved. I asked the tough questions of Wife though. Do you love me? Do you really love me, in an emotional way, or is it just convenient to be with me? She called me her better half and said that she would feel emotionally gutted without me. We talked about it all. I’m left with three thoughts.

(1) There is a high possibility that Therapist is painting the Worst Case for us so that we are prepared for it. Not that she is saying it will happen but that she wants to make us very aware of what can happen.

(2) I like my life better when my wife is in it. Her smile and input are invaluable and we work fairly well as a team with the exception of one or two instances.

(3) Those one or two instances are my emotional well-being and my sexual-satisfaction. However much Wife says she wants to work on this whole thing to save the marriage… talk isn’t good enough anymore. I haven’t said these words to her (because I don’t want to pressure her) but… if our marriage doesn’t improve by deed and not just by word… then Mag may be completely accurate in saying this relationship may never fulfill me… and I’ll need to make some tough choices.

I asked my mom to pray for us and she asked me to call her as soon as I could. She is the only member of my family that prefers the phone to other forms of communication. Just another way I’m a shit, I guess, because… since tomorrow is Easter, I was planning on calling the family tomorrow… so I just decided to push the “call me” request to tomorrow with everything else.

I suppose if I’m not going to go to this party-thing, I should get a hot-dog in me and start some laundry.