sex in Depression

Sex makes me very nervous. Partially because I hate my body, that’s a big deal for me. But also because of my lack of experience. I may have had sex before, but I haven’t touched a guy properly. I’ve been intimate with my boyfriend, and we’ve almost gone all the way, but I froze. It’s kind of frustrating that I got so nervous. I mean, I was less nervous to have sex with a stranger than I am with my loving boyfriend. It makes no sense. The nerves are crippling though, it’s almost a panic attack it’s so bad. And then I fear going back to his place in case we start again. He knows how nervous I am and we have talked about it, but that doesn’t change the fact that he’s a horny virgin and would like to do stuff. I know he’s nervous too though, just in the moment he seems so confident and ready.

I don’t care if I sound like a 15 year old girl in a teen movie in this entry, I’m talking about this.

Touching him and being naked with him is what scares me. We all know I hate my body, and he knows it too. It’s the main issue for me. I know I don’t have to be naked to do things with him and that I shouldn’t if I’m not ready but I do want to I just get so nervous. I know it’s because I’m afraid of what he’ll think of my body and that I’ll look so ugly. Ugh I’m just sick of this controlling me. I need to sort out my body issues. A proper entry about the boyfriend is to come soon, just felt like ranting tonight