15-03.31.73 in Book Two: The Fifteenth Year of the Third Millennium of the Common Era

Oh the joy of arguments. Got into another big one today. Wife definitely saying that she is “as good as diagnosed” with Asperger’s and so I’m going to have to make a lot of changes. I suggested that we get her into some individual therapy, then, in order to help her figure out how to interact and cope in the world with that. Of course that suggestion started an argument! I just don’t understand. Wait until I talk to Mag, she’ll set me straight. And on and on and on. So… in other words, this is supposedly yet another of those “YOU change because of MY issue”? Oh Heavenly God, I’m so tired of that bullshit. And, frankly… if Mag actually does fully side with the wife on this? Like… if she honestly tells me that I have to make all these changes and adjustments and just treats my wife like she’s a victim of her own mind… I will walk the fuck out and find a divorce lawyer that day. Seriously. I’m tired of trying so hard.

Of course, I’m jumping the gun. I haven’t even had my own individual session yet. But seriously… I do worry that my individual session will turn into Mag telling me “Now, we’ve discussed Asperger’s with your wife; lets use this time to brainstorm what to do now.” I will, of course, still give her the list. I wanted to fit it onto one page so I’ve had to format it a bit wonky and add stuff. I just… honestly… I’m worried that the list will get ignored. I don’t know why I worry about that but… I just really do.

Here is the list as I will give it to the therapist. Hopefully, I didn’t leave things out or over-include… we’ll see what, if anything, gets discussed. Appointment is Friday so… get to go through tomorrow first.

Official List to be Given

Personal Items
~ Fibromyalgia
1) Constant Pain
2) Regularly Fatigued & Exhausted
3) Mood issues with depression and anger
~Bar Exam
1) Fear & Anxiety over Test in General and Waiting for Results
~ General Anxiety Over Goals
1) Hugely stressed about the Bar Exam and the possible need to retake it
2) Hugely stressed about every element of the possible need to retake it
3) Worried about finding a job if/when I pass the bar exam
4) Feelings of anger, frustration, and helplessness over my marriage
5) Feelings of anger, frustration, and helplessness over Wedding Photos

Relationship Items
~ Bar Exam
1) Added pressure that exam is key to relationship success and wife’s happiness
~ Sexual Dysfunction
1) No sex from Nov. 2011 to Sept. 2014 (and rare after that)
2) Sex often requires Wife to be heavily inebriated
3) Wife seems non-participatory, simply “lay there and take it”
4) This makes me feel like she does not find me attractive, does not want me, and is another element of my needs that she feels needn’t be met.
5) Perhaps worst of all, this issue makes me feel deep regret and self-hate that I waited until I met my wife to have sex

Relationship (cont.)
~ Communication & Interaction
1) I feel like I compromise or give-in too often and I let Wife’s way be our way
2) Despite several plans to cook together; that still hasn’t happened
3) When rarely we make plans, she has no energy or desire in the evenings to do anything at all, usually
4) It feels like Wife is always quick to criticize but slow to praise and rare to say I Love You
5) I feel like I think about her needs and wants and comforts a great deal without my own ever being considered
6) I found it odd that Wife said she likes conversation; but is so often so unwilling to actually talk to me
7) I feel like if Wife and I are both having a rough day, it is invariably me that swallows it in order to appropriately “be there” for her and never the other way ‘round
8) It hurts when Wife outright tells me she doesn’t find me attractive because I am or am acting too effeminate
9) Wife resists change to an almost marriage-destroying level. She is the “Queen of Excuses.” She declared that she is “clearly autistic” and if I don’t feel loved or wanted; I will have to change my expectations. Like always, no discussion on change or improvements that she could make. It’s all on me. When I suggested individual therapy to help her out, it started an argument.
Autism or not… I’m tired of feeling like I’m the only one that needs to bare the emotional burdens in this marriage.