Eric, I think I've realized something. in Since OD is shutting down....

Yeah okay so .......................Eric came over last night and we had sex for about 3 hours. It was absolutely incredible and I couldn’t have asked for a better experience with someone. We did things that I either haven’t done much of in the past and things I have always wanted to do but was either too shy or didn’t feel comfortable doing and we both enjoyed it like crazy.

The bad thing about all this is he’s in a really bad spot and I’m not going to let his poor choices and bullshit affect my life whatsoever. His cancer in his leg has come back, he doesn’t have a stable place to live, and he’s still drinking quite heavily. I wanted to hang out late this afternoon but he claimed to be watching his nephew (after he told me his sister kicked him out because he was sick of watching her kids) and then later admitted to have been drinking.

He’s just so full of excuses and I don’t know if he’s just a pathological liar or if it’s because he’s alcoholic but I’m not going to let things go any further until he starts working on himself. I annoyed that he keeps telling me he loves me, wants to move in and it’s impossible to communicate with him because once I start to say something he doesn’t like, he just shuts down. I took him home last night and he asked me to be his girlfriend to which I said no but before I could explain, he got out of the car and walked inside. He then proceeded to blow up my phone for 2 hours telling me that he was so hurt that I rejected him and was begging me to be with him. Um, yeah emotionally unstable.

I admit that the sex was incredible but we didn’t wear a condom and he wasn’t pulling out. I know that because of his health problems and mine it would probably be next to impossible for me to get knocked up but because he wouldn’t stop doing it, I don’t feel comfortable having sex with him anymore. He told me today that he wants to get me pregnant and I’m not into that at all. Neither one of us are ready to take on that responsibility and I just don’t want to keep sleeping with someone knowing that that’s their intention. Ugh.

So my Mom and little brother came over today while I had my niece for awhile. I was getting super annoyed because my Mom kept helping herself to my food (after me bitching about how I struggle to afford it) and my little brother almost stole money from my bathroom. I had some cash in a candle holder on the back of my toilet that I forgot about and realized it once he kept going in and out of my bathroom and by the time I went in there to make sure it was still there, it was all out of order so I know he fucked with it. I’m just glad he decided to not take any because it would have ended up being a big drama because I would have said something to my Mom and she would have confronted him and then he would have gotten all crazy so I’m glad he just didn’t fucking do it. It’s just really sad that my family is the way they are.

It’s after midnight and I’m gonna go to bed soon. I’m super tired as I didn’t get to bed until 3 this morning and got up at 9. I had little one until about 2 and then hung out with them for awhile. I’m slowly but surely remembering why I’ve stayed away from them so long. My Mom is still super demanding and needy with my time and I finally fucking snapped at her a couple of days ago because she kept bugging me to hang out with her yesterday morning even though I told her I had to work. It’s really sad that even having a job doesn’t seem to be that big of a deal with my family!!! It’s just bullshit because I just don’t feel like they have any respect for the fact that I fucking work, I have to work and I can’t just take time off whenever they want me around. I can’t fucking stand feeling like people are trying to control me or my time and that’s why I’d rather just be by my damn self!!!

I honestly believe that if it wasn’t for my brother’s kid, I would never speak to my family again. I just don’t feel like they care about me the way family should and just wish they would leave me the fuck alone. My birthday is in a couple of days and I’m really grateful I have to work or else I would seriously spend the whole fucking day by myself because my family never makes my birthday special and it’s not like they could even afford to buy me a cake or take me out to dinner. I’m super depressed that I don’t have any of my old friends that I used to celebrate my birthday with and this is the 4th year of my bestie being in prison and it’s put me in tears today because it’s her birthday and we can’t spend our birthdays together like we used to. I miss her so much it hurts :(

I’ve let Eric know that I’m not ready for a relationship but I’m not going to close our line of communication so that he can have time to work on himself and then let me know. He’s just got too many issues that I’m not willing to allow into my life. It sucks that he’s where he’s at because we click so well sexually and I would love to continue a sexual relationship with him because he completely rocked my world last night but honestly, I can’t care about him like he needs.

My brother made a comment to me earlier today that I’ve turned into my ex meaning I’ve become really heartless and just can’t bring myself to care about people like I used to. Mainly men. I just don’t have the same heart as I used to and I’ve become a heartless bitch like no other. I can cut people off and forget about them like a light switch and feel no remorse whatsoever. I remember thinking I was gonna be super heartbroken over Brian and that whole deal but completely forgot he was even in existence until I saw him driving the other day!

Ugh, anyways I have a tummy ache so I’m gonna lay down and watch tv. More tomorrow.