the legend of minnie driver in poetry

minnie driver was sixteen feet tall
when they shot her role as the female lead
in the oscar-winning “good will hunting”
on the dvd out-takes you can see
the stilts the other actors had to wear
to create the illusion of statural equanimity
and she was gorgeous

minnie driver was seventeen feet tall
when she and matt damon broke up for good
when she went home to britain to mourn
she cried a literal river
many died in “the driver floods”
but even the families of the dead agreed
that they’d all still sleep with her

minnie driver was eighteen feet tall
when she trained a mountain lion
to chase a laser pointer pen adorably

minnie driver was nineteen feet tall
when she ate a bunch of apples whole
and in spitting out the seeds
planted the orchards of Washington state

minnie driver was twenty feet tall
when she ate a bunch of iron spikes and
pooped the transcontinental railroad

minnie driver was twenty-one feet tall
they made her pantyhose from parachutes
minnie driver was twenty-two feel tall
she could catch satellites in her bare hands
minnie driver was twenty-three feet tall
when an assistant would bring her the wrong coffee
she would just step on them as punishment
what could they do?
she was twenty-four feet tall!

minnie driver was twenty-five feet tall
and holy shit
she was hot as fuck