i will fight to forget in 2015

GO SEE THE ACTUAL WEDDING ENTRY ONE BACK. THIS IS ABOUT FALLOUT.

Okay, so to be super blunt right up front, I was a virgin and Aaron is hung like a horse and we have been having logistical issues. It’s not a problem. We aren’t fighting or anything. We are both mature enough to understand this and be patient. My birth control has turned me into the Sahara Desert, so we’re both just learning my ‘new’ body and practicing and it’s slow going, but it’s completely fine and burning off all the wedding calories with the practicing.

The repercussions are more that I’ve had almost zero sex drive since sometime last week, and it’s been a slow unpacking of feelings to get it back. I suppressed EVERYTHING in order to get through Kate’s manufactured dress shit and my mom’s… I don’t know, childishness, and as a result I spent most of the weekend overwhelmed and numb. Which isn’t a crisis or tragedy, because I’m part robot anyway. Aaron is really emotional, I am really not emotional, and we counterbalance. Furthermore, I’m still adjusting to the artificial hormones I take every night, so there are just new things for us to adjust to. Fortunately, I haven’t really had any moodswings. I am still my stable, chill self.

We had cuddle/nap time sometime this week. He fell asleep on the couch, and I was curled into his side, poking my stoicism and watching the wall weaken. I’ve been able to feel sappy and newly-weddish, so it’s coming down. I’ve shoved off tears a time or two, overtired and overwhelmed tears that still aren’t the random meltdown that I’ve figured was coming.

I was incredibly stressed out by my mom’s actions and words and lack thereof. It took a lot of energy to control that and shove it away so that it wouldn’t mess with me, so that I could focus on loving my friends and family and you know, getting married. I was incredibly hurt by the fact that my aunt that I barely see had to step in and do all the mom things, and shaken that I came so close to not having that at all. I’m almost crying just writing this. Aaron’s mom is here for the next few weeks, just to spend time with her kids and grandkids, and loving on everyone and giving Aaron and I lovingly exasperated looks for being idiots, and I keep just watching like it’s a foreign culture. This is what having a mom is like. This is what it’s like when your mom doesn’t functionally steal $500 from you and leave you without a phone for a month, what it’s like when she wants to spend time with you that’s not contingent on a pair of un-house-trained dogs, when she’s not posting bitchy and whiny graphics on FB that were probably made in 1998, when she’s not bugging you to solve her ridiculous problems and that’s the only time she talks to you.

When your mom hugs and congratulates you on getting married and acts happy to be there.

This is not going away. I can pray about it until my face goes blue, I can process it and compartmentalize it and talk to my aunt about perspective and how fucking broken that entire side of the family is. But managing emotional wounds doesn’t make them magically disappear. It just makes them managed.

People are now asking all the time–when are you having kids? Because that’s what happens when you get married. People want to know when to expect the baby. The answer is not anytime soon, because we want to travel and be dumb and explore and have fun being married first. 3-5 years, closer to 5, is the time line. (Best laid plans of mice and men.)

But every time people ask is another deep-down wince and cringe and hope that Aaron’s mom can step in and be the mother I’ll need while pregnant for the first time, because I have exactly zero expectations of my own mother mothering me. I have every expectation of being in the delivery room and her calling and bitching because she can’t bring her dogs in to watch and wanting me to find her a petsitter or get one of my friends to do it. I mean, she did that for, on, my wedding.

It’s just a really big bruise, and the only reason I’m even dealing with it and looking at it is because I want to break out of the emotionally numb place it put me so I can feel enough to enjoy sex again. Turns out, it’s hard to get turned on enough to do anything when you’ve got your feelings packed away behind the Berlin Wall.

Mr. Gorbachev, break down this wall!

HAPPY STORY.

I think it was… Monday night? Maybe? Sunday? We went back to Aaron’s mom’s house to eat dinner and get some things. The kids were there, and after dinner I sat on the couch with Leah because she wanted me to paint her nails again and to watch a movie with me. She picked out Despicable Me 2 and we cuddled and she talked exhausted nonsense (including asking if Aaron was yummy). She eventually fell asleep, and then zonked wholly out, clinging to my arm and snoring lightly. Kara and I relocated her to her bed.

As we were backing out of the girls’ room, Katy snuck in to change into her nightgown and then darted back downstairs to say goodnight to everyone. She stopped halfway down the stairs, turned and looked at me, smiled huge, and said, “I can’t wait for you to have a baby!”

Kara nearly died trying not to wake Leah with her laughter.

The kids are super excited that I’m officially part of the family and their aunt, and they’ve been excited about the aunt –> cousin to play with! logic since before we were married. So it’s not the first time they’ve said stuff like that, especially since I have this feeling that I’m turning into Leah’s second mommy. It’s more heartwarming than annoying; it’s more a huge, huge compliment than anything else. Even if everyone else laughs their asses off. :)