Trust in Random Thoughts

Kevin is still living with me and it has been a little strange. He is currently saving money to move, even though we haven’t spoken about what his plans are and what his timeline looks like.

But, there was a small heartbreaking moment last night. He came into the bedroom, where i was working on my computer. He had tears in his eyes and said he was sad. I asked if he wanted to talk about it.

“I don’t want this to end,” he lays on the bed next to me, “i was ready for this to be forever. I am so sorry i pushed you away. I wish i hadn’t. I know it didn’t seem like it, but i wanted to have children with you. You would be such a good mom. I care about you so much. Have your feelings really changed completely?”

My feelings have not changed. I frequently second guess myself. I just have allowed myself to trust in my decisions. Sometimes i even have to talk myself through the reasons why. Because..... i do love him. His irreverence, his love for children and animals, his quirky sense of humour and constant clever word play. All these things flashed in my mind as he asked me that last question. I just sat there silent for a moment,

“It’s complicated,” i whisper, “i have to trust in the decisions that i make.” I cradle his head in my hands and kiss his forehead.

I just have to trust myself, but it is hard.