15-03.24.68 in Book Two: The Fifteenth Year of the Third Millennium of the Common Era

Time is a bitch that taunts a person and abuses a person with her fickle and inconsistent ways.

I kid you not, this freaking Bar Exam is on my mind all the time now. As I’m in the grocery store, I let my mind wander for a nano-second and I’m anxious about scores and tests and studying and everything. And even my closest friend is saying, “Don’t worry. You’re smart, you studied hard, and I know you- you’ve certainly got it this time.” But… there are no certainties with this demonic examination. Getting 15 questions out of 200 could be a passing score depending on those who took the test at the same time; but then again getting 150 questions out of 200 could be a failing score depending on those who took the test at the same time. I am trying to comfort myself by keeping things in perspective… reminding myself that pass or fail, I NEED to score higher than a 120 and WANT to score in the 150 or more region. But… it is constantly on my mind. Constantly causing me anxiety. Frankly, were it within my power… I’d love to have some flirtatious young thing here constantly keeping my mind occupied with far more pleasurable distractions.

What have I been up to lately? Thank you for asking anonymous voice in my head… wait a minute.... are you a horcrux? Is this Voldemort? Cuz… I read that book. Things don’t end well for you, buddy!

Partly due to his appearance in the new Mortal Kombat game and partly due to my wife’s love of Horror… my wife and I have been watching the Friday the 13th Movie Franchise. We started on Sunday, I think, and have watched through #4. Interesting aside… Jason (as killer) doesn’t appear until movie 2 and Jason (as hockey mask wearer) doesn’t happen until half-way into #3. It just goes to show that what we consider classic or iconic can be easily manipulated. When not watching that, we watched Steve Coogan and Rob Brydon’s The Trip (and The Trip to Italy)… we went boot shopping for her… an experience that pisses her off and makes her feel shitty about herself as she cannot find a proper boot that will fit over her calves. And rented a rug doctor to try to make our carpets look a bit better.

To more specifically discuss today, specifically:

This morning was a nightmare. One of those superb mornings where things rather seem to suck. After less than 3 hours of sleep, I awoke to quickly put on my suit and tie for work. Upon stepping outside… the sky opened up and began a torrential rain. Not only does this suck for general weather purposes; but my car leaks on the driver’s side resulting in a quickly forming puddle under my left thigh. Add this to the fact that not a single soul in Omaha knows how to drive for shit. I wish I were kidding or exaggerating but this morning’s commute speaks volumes. It usually takes no more than 15 minutes to get from my apartment to my office. Add the rain and the incompetence of the city… it took me an hour to go from my apartment to my office. The fastest I was able to go on the highway was 20. This isn’t ice people, it is simply rain! The morning was made worse still by the continued incompetence of my work associates. Well, one associate. I’ve never met the lad but we have an “attractive, well-built” guy working for us… the only reason I know the description is because the female Corrections Officers describe him for me. He has been taking care of our Monday business for several weeks now. He is the reason why, now, every Tuesday morning I have zero paperwork for the judges. I have just run out of my good reputation. After 4 weeks of having nothing for the judges… it is no longer an “oversight”; it is deliberately not doing his job and making me look bad. Now, making me look bad is likely not deliberate… but Holy Balls, man, do your job!

After returning home, I did the dishes and started doing some cleaning chores. As I got through the list of cleaning and more cleaning; I got to my section of the to-do list that said “Call for Marriage Counseling.” I know we need it, I do. But there is a definite part of my soul that is ridiculously apprehensive about it. A little nagging voice saying, ”We don’t need it. Just put up with your wife’s moods and her inattention and don’t rock the boat.” But… as difficult as it is to tell myself, and as difficult as it is to believe… I probably deserve better and I shouldn’t simply “put up” with a marriage like this. That being said it took me longer than it should have to actually just force myself to make the phone call. Though I should admit- lots of that may be due to how passionately I hate the phone. Sins of the father passed down; but I would always prefer face-to-face or text-based than phone conversations. Anyway, made the call… despite the anxiety that caused… and asked Reception if any marriage counselors were accepting new clients. Got shuffled around a bit, but actually got an appointment for this Friday. We were able to chose between a Male PhD and a Female M.S.... my wife may have preferred the PhD but the MS specifically listed “Women’s Issues” in her focus so, I figured she might be more sensitive to whatever it is that my wife is going through. ::shrug:: We shall see what happens!

After that phone call… more cleaning! Emptying Dishwasher. Trying to do laundry but… of course…laundry room: both machines full and three clothes baskets marking “I got next” so… no to that. So, finish cleaning the bathroom and rug doctoring the living hell out of the carpets in this apartment! I keep thinking how a neanderthal would look at my day and, for the most part, say “That’s woman’s work.” My response forms instantly- It needs doing, it helps the household, and I have time. I will never understand nor appreciate any person that willfully does not assist based solely on “labeling.”

Finally, I looked over some cook books. I am tired of doing nothing during the day and, as anxious as cooking makes me… at least it is not Bar Exam anxious, so it will be a distraction. I selected one Slow Cooker recipe, a Roman Ramet noodle & egg dish, and… surprisingly… do you remember that Chicken thing I made out of that ghastly unhelpful cookbook? My wife specifically requested I make it again. She keeps raving about the chicken and wants to be present when it comes off the stove so she can have more of it than she did last time. As the process is awful, I requested that we make it together to alleviate some of the Kitchen Destroying nature of that recipe.

Two Personal Notes:

(1) I’ve been catching up on people’s PBs (not noting much due to mood) and reading random PBs and… my envy, curiosity, etc is triggering again. People who have the confidence and the attractiveness to just… pick people up. First, pull people in general… like go to a bar or a club and get strangers to talk to you and show interest. That alone was always extremely difficult for me. But then… these people meet someone and have sex with them that night, or that week. That… that will always be a strange inner struggle for me. Like… I’ve never even so much as met someone and kissed them all within one night or one week. So, it makes me wonder how different my life would be if I had at least tried for that lifestyle when I was younger. Would it make me appreciate the infrequency I currently experience or would it make it worse? Would I be able to use “experience” to combat my wife’s self-esteem issues… always saying she’ll never credit when I say she’s attractive because I have “nothing to compare it to”? Just… it is the repeated mantra: I did my best to be a “good boy” because I thought there was something to it; if that turns out to be a lie, than did I genuinely miss out (and if I did, did I miss out for nothing)?”

(2) I suppose, to end where I began… unsurprisingly, I’m thinking obsessively about the Bar Exam. But this time, from a timing perspective. You see, my side of the family has a week long Reunion planned for the end of June.... my wife’s side of the family has a week long Reunion planned for the end of July… my cousin has a wedding at the mid-point of July… and the final Batman Arkham game is to be released (now, after another delay) at the end of June. In other words… needing to take the bar exam again would ruin my summer and my wife’s summer. Because… if I had to take the bar exam again… my side’s Reunion would be 4 weeks before the test; my wife’s Reunion would be the week before the test. So… summer plans, marriage issues, missing family, money concerns...... more and more and more pressure piling up to have passed the exam in February. Pressure being added, stress being added, at a time when there is nothing I can do to increase my chances of having succeeded.