Today is whatever i want it to mean/changes in Random Thoughts

A part of the self care i promised with my therapist and self, was to write more often.

So, changes are a-comin’. My application for Bellingham schools is 100% complete. I am excitedly looking for apts on craigslist. I dream of my favorite yoga studio, the farmer’s market, cooking and fermenting adventurous foods, sunlight on hardwood floors, knitting for loved ones, saving to buy a house.

I told kevin 2 weeks ago. I was calm and i was not sure what to expect from him because i our past he has been alternately angry and unreasonable and crying and inconsolable about different emotional subjects. This time he was ok. He got angry and called me selfish (which i am, taking care of my self) but took it back and apologized. He pleaded to me to please please reconsider and that he could make me happy. I just looked at him, with my heart bruised and battered, but my face still. Since then, he hasn’t said a word to me. I had told him that he could take time to save money and move out. But no words of plans have come out of his mouth. I know he is thinking about it and things are different. I just don’t want to have to bring up the conversation, again, but i am sure i will have to.

One of the hardest aspects of this is the adaptations i have had to make to my nature. I naturally incline to be kind and thoughtful. I have had to adjust how i act with him, not offer to do certain things, not be naturally affectionate. In therapy i wondered whether i was being untrue to my self by doing this, but he said that perhaps i was protecting myself and intuitively doing what needs to be done to ease out of this relationship while we still live together in a small space.

In retrospect, some friends of mine are saying something along the lines of “we wondered why you were with him,” one of them i asked “why didn’t you say anything?” But, she did, i just didn’t hear it.

One thing i have learned, and i am so glad that i a out of this relationship before learning this was too late, was to listen to the warning bells. There was a big one way at the beginning, before he and i were exclusive, when i was in Eugene doing my master’s degree. I can’t wish for the past to change, but i certainly can wonder.

And a special note to my friend Convoyeur, yours was a voice i listened to. Thank you so much for being there for me. When i am all settled in Bellingham, we need to figure a way to get you up for a visit to one of the most beautiful places in the PNW.