15-03.21.66 in Book Two: The Fifteenth Year of the Third Millennium of the Common Era

Been offline for the most part as I take care of things around the house and just random stuff. But, of course, issues in the relationship send me here to get perspective, to vent, and to deal with my emotional issues.

Today, as my wife was sitting on the couch staring into oblivion (while I was making dinner), I asked her how she was. Something that constantly annoys her. But as she was literally sitting on the couch staring at the air, I felt it was an appropriate moment to investigate. Tired? No. In pain? No. Feeling sick? No. Feeling depressed… there we go! She admitted to feeling depressed and actually was open to talking about it. Good! But… it is hard. Because she is unwilling to accept the chemical elements of it because she flat out doesn’t want to take any more meds. Which means talking about her depression is code for talking about how much she hates her life… and how, quoting her, “every thing I do annoys her and the effeminate stuff really bothers her.” ::eye roll::.... so every single thing I do annoys her and she still calls my every attempt to initiate affection or “love you” or any romance/couple interaction is effeminate. I specifically asked her about a recent item. She was on her 200th hour of staring at her tablet and as I walked by, and leaned over and squeezed her shoulder. I asked her if that was too effeminate. Yes. Yes it was. So I specifically asked what kind of behavior she would prefer for me to communicate love or affection. She had no specifics. Basically… she just thinks it is unnecessary. So… my wife is truly depressed and honestly wants us to be a non-relationship relationship.

So… I’ve had it. I’m calling a Counseling Association because… I don’t have the time to try to find someone with the right qualifications. So… on Monday, I am going to call this place where they have 6 therapists that claim Marriage & Relationship Counseling. Because… I’m going to be honest. If I get shitty news in April.... where I don’t pass the bar… then what? I’ll be emotionally devastated and mentally exhausted and… what? Turn to my wife? Uhm… if everything I do is irritating and any time I reach out for any modicum of affection or support or an “I love you” makes me “too effeminate” then what am I going to do? Honestly! The way I was raised is to envision the worst possible scenario so you can be prepared if that happens. This is my worst possible scenario. Failing the bar, having everything in me drain out of my body with the misery of that knowledge, and my wife basically being a cold bitch about it… not being supportive, not being encouraging, not offering me even a hug, and basically making me feel even more pressure to pass the bar in the Summer because this family is entirely on my shoulders.

Pragmatically: I don’t want to get divorced. I like my wife… I like who my wife was when we got married. I like who my wife is as a person. I don’t like what my wife has become as a wife. I don’t want to get divorced. The single-scene terrifies me. In every way. And it would be a pretty douchey thing to divorce a woman that moved to a shittier place for me. But… honestly… I don’t want to stay married to a woman who sees everything I do as irritating and sees every romantic/affectionate action as “too girly” and never kisses, hugs or fucks… I’m officially done with it. I don’t want to stay in a marriage where it is pretty clear that my wife hates herself and hates me. So… Hail Mary Play. Soon as business opens again… call in various therapy clinics, try desperately to schedule something for Friday the 27th and hope that (1) I can get something scheduled; and (2) I can get my wife to go with me. Otherwise… I honestly have no idea if this marriage is going to survive long enough for us to even get our God dammned wedding photos.