Back hurts, feeling down. in Since OD is shutting down....

My back is killing me today and I feel really down. I don’t know if it’s because it’s cold and dark outside or because I’d rather pull my own toenails out with pliers than go to work. I’m honestly just so fucking sick of that place that I could fucking scream. I honestly just want to get a big fucking loan and pay off my car and my student loans so I could take some time off. I am honestly so over that place that if it wasn’t for my car payments, I wouldn’t even bother showing up there today.

I honestly just don’t feel great because of my back and really hoping I have a decent night at work. I decided that if I do stay there I’m going to cut back on hours and get a second job working as a nanny or in a daycare.

My anxiety is kicking my ass. I seriously wish I didn’t have to go to work. I’m so fucking sick of that place and all the bullshit that goes along with it. I’m sick of worrying about that girl or people telling me the shit she says about me. I am just sick of going into work in a good mood and someone ruining it all because they thrive off drama. I’m just worried I’m going to get pissed and punch someone in the face or just walk out.

I just don’t like how my job used to be my happy place and someone is fucking that up for me. I also don’t like how they put everything on me so I’m never allowed to miss work. They aren’t gonna like it when I let them know I am cutting down my hours starting next week. I just can’t fucking be there all the time anymore and I need to put forth real effort in getting another job or at least a second job so I don’t have to be as reliant on that place.

I just feel really alone and get sick of having no support system. I don’t have anyone to really talk to about this and it makes me feel even worse. It just bugs me that I don’t have any real friends and my parents aren’t really my parents. It sucks to go through all of this by myself. I just wish I had someone to cuddle with me and just hold me while I cry my little heart out. I just feel really angry and sad and depressed right now. I just feel trapped.

It’s bullshit that the new job place hasn’t called and probably won’t. I’m trying hard to not get upset about it but it just means I’m stuck where I’m at until I can get into something else. Maybe it’s just a sign to get into something completely different. I am honestly sorry I didn’t just pay off my car when I had the chance. I just have to find a job and soon. I think I’m gonna get up tomorrow morning and get some applications in. I just can’t stay where I’m at and if I do, I’m going to end up getting fired as I don’t want to be there anymore. I have to cut down on my hours because I’m still really tired and need to be able to have more of a life outside of that place.

I just want to get in my car and drive over a fucking bridge. I’m so fucking sick of feeling like I don’t have choices. I honestly hate where I am right now emotionally. I just want to get high or become self destructive.

Time for work.