Anxiety. in Since OD is shutting down....

I ended up not having to work today, thank God. I slept super hard last night and woke up extremely tired but I needed to do some shopping at Walmart and I knew my niece would want to see me as she didn’t stay with me last night because she was with her Mom at Grandpa’s til late and she went right to bed when they got home. I was super bummed to not have her last night because I look forward to it just as much as she does but she and I had a great day today. We got groceries and came home. Had pizza and cupcakes for lunch and then bought some stuff at the dollar store and then had a BBQ with her parents. It was a lot of fun and then when everyone was about to pass out, we took my brother’s new truck and went up some crazy fun roads with his friends. We just got back awhile ago, put little girl to bed and watched some of a movie before I came home.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the new job and have decided whatever happens, happens. Let’s say they don’t call me on Tuesday then I’m not going to call them. If they do call then I need to figure out my schedule for the next few days so I can get orientated there but still work my current job so I can still make my car payment and have a few hours on my next check before I leave. I still have every intention on leaving but I’m not going to be pushing incredibly hard either as my anxiety is running wild. Every time I think about having to wear an actual uniform, take out piercings and be around a bunch of new people, my stomach drops similar to being on a fucking roller coaster.

It really sucks that I work at such a fucked up shit hole that probably won’t even care when I tell them that I’m leaving. I honestly believe that when I tell them I found another job that they won’t even bother asking me to stay. I can already see that happening and that’s going to make me super depressed because that will be letting me know that they never valued me from the start and will actually help me in my decision to leave. I just feel that it’s time for me to better my own life and not only believe I deserve better but actually go get it.

They can’t just expect to me stick around forever for how much shit I do when they pay me jack shit. It pisses me off how hard we are all expected to work when they treat us like shit and don’t give anyone a fucking raise unless it’s required by law. I don’t even remember my boss ever telling me when I’ve done a good job but they have no problem asking me to pick up extra shifts!!! That place is a fucking sand box for me to stick my head in and even though it’s made me a better person and I’ve been there for so long, I have to move on to bigger and better things. I am sick of being taken advantage of but having no real say in what goes on, even when it has to do with myself!

I just don’t want to be pissed about any of this shit anymore and that’s why I’m so ready to get the fuck out of there. I’ve always thought about it but now that it’s probably going to happen, it it a bit scary and my anxiety is kicking my ass but I know 10 minutes into my first shift, I will be just fine. If anyone pisses me off they will be told where to go and I will have no problem making it very clear I won’t put up with being talked to like I don’t have feelings and I won’t take on more responsibility unless it means more pay. It just angers me that I always maintain a pretty good attitude at work and honestly love my job and where I’m at but I just can’t continue working so hard for a bunch of fucking assholes who don’t respect me and don’t really care how they’ve made me feel.

I’m super excited to go to bed. I am just fucking exhausted and if it wasn’t for my brother’s little girl, I would have laid around and done nothing all day. I plan to get some stuff done tomorrow but I’m not going to do anything terribly strenuous. I am just hoping I’m going to hear from the new job either tomorrow or Tuesday. I also need to call my doctor again and ask what’s going on with the preauthorization for my Belviq as I left 2 voicemail last week and no one ever did call me back. I’ve been out for 2 weeks and I would really like to get back on it. Since I’ve been off of it for awhile, I know I’ll go through the side affects again which I’m not looking forward to with starting a new job but I need that stuff. It was helping me lose weight and manage my blood sugar. I’m really irritated that my nurse never did call back when she told me I would hear from her last Monday and that didn’t happen.

I have to go to the bank, do laundry and clean up my house some tomorrow but the first thing I plan to do is sleep the fuck in. I’m just tired and need to get some fucking rest. I don’t know where the week is gonna go but I will probably end up tired as fuck so I need to rest as much as I can tomorrow.

It’s just crazy to think that I will more than likely be at a different job in the next few days. It will all be worth it though because I know once I tell them I found something else, it’s not like they are going to ask me to stay and if they do, they aren’t going to mention anything about a raise. I know that I will be happy to leave. Just sucks that it has to come down to this because they are fucking cheapskates and that’s why they have such a high turn over. They can have fun finding someone like me to do what I do for shit pay.

Anyways, time to lay down and watch tv.