the sound of silence in furious, fragile, and free

Yesterday, I watched Disney movies all day while it poured in San Diego and today, my roommate and I ditched all our classes and responsibilities to get brunch and mimosas and it was a pretty fucking great decision.

In the meantime, I don’t have any desire to do anything beyond binge-watching and brunching. I can’t focus in class, I’m burnt out at work, I am majorly avoiding a big story assignment I have due Friday for class and I just can’t summon the mental energy to care about anything.

I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to handle my responsibilities lately. I’m not even sure if I want to be editor in chief and my interview is next week. I hate my classes and I don’t care enough to edit my stories more thoroughly to get better grades.

I don’t even know what I’ve done lately that has inspired me.

It’s this weird limbo of: I love spending time with my roommates and we go painting and drink wine and shopping and stay up way too late eating chicken nuggets and laughing and cuddling (do other people cuddle with their roommates? no? just me?) and that all makes me so happy, but on the other hand,

I can barely hold a pen and I can barely sleep and I feel like I’m this shadow of myself.

It’s past midnight on a Monday and I have a 1200 story to write, interviews to conduct and probably other shit but like I just can’t handle it anymore. I think about my future, and I feel like I can’t do anything. I don’t have the skills to succeed and there’s so much pressure to be a professional, get internships, build your resume and it’s all so exhausting. I don’t even know what I want to DO with my life. I thought I did, but I’m having this existential crisis where I don’t actually want to work and I don’t know what differences I want to make in this world and I don’t know if any of this all even matters because in one year, who will I have in my life and what will I be doing?

I just. Life isn’t getting any easier and for so long, I’ve been someone who moved confidently into the future because the present and the past were so shitty, but now, I can’t find my way through this abyss and I’m not even sure if I want to.