Feeling blah. in Since OD is shutting down....

Work was okay last night. I was just super annoyed because it was so fucking cold. I am really sick of it being so fucking cold that being outside is fucking miserable. It’s a tad warmer today and the sun is shining so it’s starting off a little bit better and today is supposed to be the last cold day so I’m in a better mood. I just can’t stand this bitter cold anymore, especially when it’s been months of this crap. I just want it to start being warm so I can enjoy being outside and not have to dread going anywhere.

My brother tried to call me at 7:30 this morning and that pisses me off. He knows that I’m not in school anymore and to call me that early is just fucking rude. I don’t care if it’s about his kid or not. If I don’t have to get up early then I don’t. He text me last night saying that she’s been asking about me so I texted my boss to see if I can just work like 13 hours tomorrow or all day Saturday or something so I can take her overnight. He doesn’t understand I can’t just take off work so I can have her as I pay the bills all by myself and can’t afford to not make enough to accommodate him. His selfishness still disgusts me. I try and see her as much as I can and it’s still not enough. I know I was supposed to take her for awhile on Sunday which I ended up not doing because I was upset over that fucktard but I will spend time with her this weekend no matter what.

I feel very guilty for not taking her on Sunday for a cupcake like I promised we would do. I was just exhausted and couldn’t stop thinking about that guy so I didn’t want to have her. I’m really angry at myself that I gave up time with her because I was hurt over someone that didn’t even deserve to bring me down like that and my little niece suffered for it. I just can’t let that happen again. I don’t get to see her as much as I’d like because of my schedule and then I could have seen her more last weekend and didn’t because of stupid shit. I honestly feel terrible about this and can’t ever make that mistake again. It’s not fair to her and it breaks my heart to know she was asking for me and I didn’t get her.

All I know is that I’m just glad I got away from that situation when I did instead of sticking around until I was miserable and so hurt that I couldn’t function again because I know all too well what that’s like and I will never allow myself to go through that again. If a guy is right for me, I won’t have to go through pain and misery to be with him!!! I felt like this guy had lied many times about his situation with his baby mama and honestly, just wanted to feel like someone wanted him again instead of communicating with his girlfriend. I honestly wish them the best of luck and hope he finds whatever it is he’s looking for.

It sucks that I’m back to square one of being alone but there’s nothing I can do about it and I don’t want to keep chasing fucktards off the internet. I just want some companionship and someone to share memories with but for whatever reason, I just can’t seem to make that happen unless it’s under false pretenses so I’m just going to leave well enough alone and just worry about myself and what makes me happy for now. It just hurts that every time I think I’m half way close to finding it, it blows up in my face. It’s just super frustrating that I have to go through this. I get that you have to kiss many frogs because you get to your prince but damn, how many is that supposed to be?!?!?!!?!?

This whole love thing just seems so impossible and it seems more like a fantasy than it could ever be reality. It just seems like what I’m looking for doesn’t exist and that’s why I’ve always just settled for whatever but that’s not the best thing to do. I know that from experience. I spent a lot of time with the wrong ones and I refuse to ever do that again.

I’ve changed a lot in the past 2 years and I’m a lot stronger than I’ve ever been. I know how to walk away, stand up for myself and let people know how I feel. I have no problem being vocal when someone says something that pisses me off. My back bone has returned and I take full advantage of it! I just don’t care about people so much where if they piss me off, they are going to know and I’m rude now without worrying about people being upset about it because I figure if I got rude with you, you fucking deserved it!

So I decided to post another CL ad. Yes I know, dumb idea but I was even more specific this time that whoever emails me needs to be single, honest and is okay with us emailing for a bit before exchanging phone numbers. Again, I don’t even want a boyfriend but something could lead up to that. I can’t go from being single as fuck to confined and having to answer to someone about every little thing overnight. I don’t want a boyfriend but someone that we could possibly end up in a relationship after we spend time just getting to know each other and see if there’s chemistry. I don’t want anything too serious too quick. I want to see what kind of person I’m getting into before diving in completely. There’s gotta be at least one decent one left in this town.

Anyways, time to take a bath and get ready for work.