"WHEN WILL YOU CALL IT QUITS?" in "SHORTS"

When will you call it quits?

I know that question irks you. Sounds awful of me, eh? You might hate me for that. I don’t care. All I know is that I am so freaking sick to death of the same old drama, that stupid rerun of the same damn episode of yours.

It’s not that I don’t care about you or sympathize with you. You have no idea just how much it hurts me every time I hear stories about how much she hurts you. How much she hurts you over and over again by cheating on you and then apologizing to you when she gets caught. The next plot is always so damn predictable: she swears she loves only you and will never ever do that again.

That’s when you relent. Here we go again.

When will you call it quits?

Fine, hate me for it. I don’t care, as long as you know what to do. He won’t stop hitting you, you know? If you think those verbal abuses are part of his affection, you must be mad. Or do you just enjoy the pain he always causes you? Beats me. I’m not your mother or your older sister. I’m no even qualified as a psychologist or a psychiatrist anyway. Yes, I know. I’m just your best friend, but then again...please remember. I’m only human. I have my limits too. If you’re looking for unconditional love and undying loyalty, do me a favour: GET A DOG. Yes, that’s right. You’ve heard me correctly. Get yourself a dog.

Perhaps each of you should get one, so you two can use them to attack each other next time you meet on the street. I can either sit back and watch, or just walk away. Anything, as long as I don’t have to put up with your endless, pointless drama all over again. I’ve played all my cards; I’ve already run out of advice. It’s just the show you both refuse to put an end to.

What’s wrong with being exes? It’ll break both families’ hearts, knowing that you’ve already set the date?

Well, I’ve got news for you: sometimes it’s necessary. Sometimes it’s the way it’s got to be. I mean, look at how you keep on driving each other crazy. You’ve driven me crazy as well, you see? Enough is enough!

Sometimes being an ex is the only way back to your old sanity. It’s much better than:

a) Plotting a murder.

b) Thinking of a suicide.

c) Both.

Believe me, you’re not going to die. It’s not the end of the world. One more mortal failure or flaw won’t automatically lead to apocalypse. Look, the sun still rises from the east!

One failure as this might save your lives and sanity. Who knows? Perhaps you’ll be happier. Maybe you’re much better off separated.

So, when will you two call it quits?

R.

(Jakarta, 20/2/2014 – from The Couchsurfing Writers’ Club Gathering @Jakarta Cafe, starting at 8:00 pm. Topic: “All About Exes”.)