beautiful pain-letting in QUOTIDIEN

March 14th, my daughter (15) shared with me that her boyfriend (who she met in rehab) was hyper-focused on the last day of his probation when he would, once again, take up smoking pot. He has shared this with Annie for weeks, but she refrained from telling me anything because she figured that their affection for one another would sway him into staying away from drugs of any kind.

On Saturday, however, she became troubled by what she perceived to be an unchanging course, and she made a huge decision. She read to me as she texted: Kenny, as much as I love you - I value myself and my sobriety far too much to put it at risk now. I’m sorry - but I can’t see you anymore.

She hasn’t heard from him since then.

On Wednesday - a rainy day - I came home to find David’s work picture ID laying on the coffee table. I knew then that she’d had a bad day. Asking for a body check as I headed to her bedroom, I opened the door to find her busy, hovering over her leg. 

“What are you doing? Show me!” I demanded it - fear rising like bile from a soured stomach.

She raised her head to look at me. With tears in her eyes, and a marker in her hand, she said, “I thought I’d try making something pretty instead ....”

She lowered her knee to show me the bouquet of flowers she’d drawn over the scars of her pain-lettings passed. ‘It’s ugly, Mom!’ But it was the most beautiful thing had ever seen in my life!!

I sat beside her, folded her into my arms - and cried for her pain. I acknowledged it, and offered nothing but my heart. It was enough.

Yesterday, after my own rough patch, I came home and took a moment to let her know how very proud I am of her. In quick-time, I’m watching her bloom into an amazing young woman. She is becoming stronger in the places she was most broken. 

I almost can’t stand the beauty of it!!