fb problems in The Wonderland Years: 2015. Done.

Ya know. every time I’ve posted on fb that I want people to keep me in their thoughts no one replies. yeah they all read it but no one replies. I’ve put i’m not in a good place. I’ve put I’ve been depressed. I don’t know how else to reach out to people on that site without PMing each individual friend. but I don’t want to do that cause it seems like a lot of work. I don’t have their emails. so that won’t work. also I don’t know how many people email these days. I keep trying only to get shot down. the one person who does check in w/ me is evan and I love him for that. and the last time he was on fb was almost 2 yrs. ago. [oh btw he lost his phone. again. this happened over the holidays too. guy’s not got a great track record w/ phones]. I have his email and I do email him. and text him. and we talk almost every day. on fb I even put recently that more people should take the time to check in w/ their friends. and still no one replied. frankly i’m disappointed. and yeah maybe it’s not the place to post that stuff but it’s the only public option I’ve got. I might not reply to each individual update but I know 2 of my people on fb have recently lost someone. so I posted that to anyone who has my sympathy and compassion. still again no replies or anything. I feel like I make more of an effort than others do and maybe that’s bc I do. at my bar I was the only one who would say hello to my bar friends. I was the one who’d go over and sit w/ them. [along those lines in the words of melissa etheridge i’m the only one who will walk across the fire for you]. most of them wouldn’t do that. well except for Pat. [ok so most of my bar friends were just people I know not actual friends but I always refer to them that way]. so yeah it’s frustrating. it’s frustrating as hell. I feel like if I don’t let people know how i’m doing then. one of these days it’ll be too late for them. I mean cmon. if a fb person I knew wasn’t doing well i’d at least want to help. or ya know maybe people just don’t care that much honestly. [and maybe I don’t want to believe they do]. honestly I should just stop talking to people. this is why I stopped a few yrs. ago. they’d do something that annoyed me and except for like one person whenever people do that I won’t tell them. no i’ll just avoid them. so anyway. and the reason I’ve been trying to reach out on fb is so I can break free. so I can try and save myself. cause really it’s all about self-preservation here. see this was one thing I really liked about Pat. and one thing I really miss about him. is he was always there. he made you feel like you were somebody cause to him you were. he made you feel like you mattered. not everybody does that. [clearly as evidenced by this entry]. call me old-fashioned [and I won’t deny it] but i’m one of those people who believes in letting people know be it verbally or through writing that you care. People need to know others care. and even if they know it they need to hear it. and read it. at least I do. or maybe they don’t. maybe they’re perfectly ok not hearing it maybe they don’t not everyone needs that sort of validation. but i’m not one of those. i’m not surprised there are so many suicides these days [apparently]. i’m not surprised so many people are clinically depressed. [of course I realize there are more factors here than just that].

it’s like i’m standing at a great precipice [screaming] and no one even looks up - rose, ‘titanic’. I am right the fuk here trying not to scream trying not to post exactly how i’m feeling. and no one takes notice. but ya know. maybe I should post exactly how I feel on fb. how depressed I’ve been. the details. but I’ve never been one for shock value. [and that’s where my being too timid comes in. like i’m lovely i’m sweet i’m really nice and all. that but honestly I think i’m too timid. well you’d be too if you’d been abused if you’d...........been raped. not true of everyone I realize. yeah that bothers me. the timid part I mean].

no advice or anything. just let me know you get it. [if you do that is].

Last updated January 06, 2016