not in it for the fun of it in 2015

I have this reasonably calm assurance that as usual, we are doing everything wrong, but it will come out perfectly right. Unfortunately, that sucks/is inconvenient for some other people, but it’s not like we bumble-fuck around like this on purpose. Completely related, I’m starting to understand some more bridezilla-ish behavior, like the hysterical screeching, because WE LITERALLY HAVE LESS THAN 21 DAYS I KNOW THIS IS BIG AND SCARY BUT GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER. Also, the usual mantra of if you’re not offering to help or pay for anything, then shut the fuck up and say congratulations. Your experience is invalid if you had any financial help whatsoever. And steady employment throughout the engagement period.

I want to ride off into a mediocre sunset on a glorious unicorn, still in my wedding dress, middle finger extended and letting a hearty fuck yoouu echo behind me. This is my dream.

I finally got my tax return. What this means is that I can finally pay all my bills back up to current. This is a great feeling. Also, go to the gym with Aimee and hit the rich thrift stores for more work clothes. I need more sweaters and layering stuff. Stupid dress codes.

Wedding diet is in full effect. I am walking/running/burpee-ing/weight training my ass off, constricting calories, and not falling to junk food. It sucks, but the body change is so very worth it. For a brief time. I’m gonna go hogwild as soon as it’s all over. My muscles are flailing at me and begging for more calories because they’re lazy bastards. The most they’re getting is a protein shake.

I’m just… frustrated. And we both had rough, restless nights last night full of tossing and turning and bad dreams, and at one point I woke up after a nightmare and tried to cuddle, but he was spinning around like a top and flinging every blanket on top of me. Lena tried to escape the earthquake and ended up getting physically kicked off the bed. We growled at each other. Then we fell asleep again and I woke up again because he was pinning me down, I tried to move, my hand fell on his junk and I fell asleep again mid I should move that thought, and in the morning he sleepily said “I dreamed you gave me a reach-around. I don’t know if that was out of a dream or if was real life.”

To which I had to sheepishly confess the inadvertent nocturnal groping, and he not-very-subtly implied that maybe I should just go big or go home and commit next time. Because of course.

I am the most scatter-brained person right now.

(20 days)