prequel in poetry

The Star Wars Prequels need to be understood
through the prism of one simple yet non-obvious fact:
Yoda was high as balls.

All the prequels are Yoda’s retelling of the past to Luke
while he is undeniably unequivocally irrefutably high as the Lord’s own balls.
In Empire and Jedi, people, Yoda is so fucking high
Yoda is higher than Keith Richards snorting the ashes of Hunter S Thompson
in the secret luxury moon-base hotel that rich people have and don’t tell us about.
That’s how high Yoda was at the time.

Luke and Leia go in baby witness protection
Obi-Wan’s off to play grab-ass with a Jawa named Twinkie
Yoda goes off to hide on a planet seemingly made entirely of marijuana
like Valhalla for Viking warriors really into Phish
Yoda hides in a hut wearing a robe he never changes stirring up cauldrons of hippie food
stoned to the tips of his little green ears licking his wounds for twenty years
smoking his body weight in Dagobah Vine every week feeling sorry for himself
until Luke finally shows up and old Master Yoda’s gotta get back on his horse
get back to teaching kids how to lift rocks with their mind horse.
But the last twenty years he was just chilling out hiding from Emperor Pope Benedict
as high as all of the balls in all of the Chuck E Cheeses until the end of time.

In the prequels, Yoda was fairly serious.
In the prequels, Yoda was thoughtful and stern.
This seems to be how he remembers himself being
this is also the feeling you get off of Obi-Wan
that back in the day Yoda was straight-laced and wise.

After twenty years alone high as the highest balls in all High Ballsylvania
Yoda is not a serene insightful warrior-monk
Yoda lapses into giggle fits
Yoda suffers from the munchies for that stuff in the cauldron
Yoda reverses the syntax of his speech at random
just like you or I would do if we were a telekinetic wizard who is high as balls.

So of course when Yoda fills Luke in
fills him in on what happened to create Vader and
to overthrow the Republic and destroy the Jedi
Yoda tells him details in disjointed chunks holding back key details
like Space Hitler’s right-hand-wizard is his dad
like he made out with his own sister just to piss off Harrison Ford
long after they would have been very useful for Luke to know
just like how you would tell the story if you were high as balls.

Of course as he’s retelling Luke
the whole story that is the feculent insulting undercooked
baffling fetid profoundly-disappointing story of the Star Wars prequel trilogy
of course he still gets the broad strokes right.

He’s still the wise Yoda he’s still the little elf-wizard who lived
he still gets the basic arc of the story right the most basic plot beats happened:
Promising Jedi Anakin Skywalker buddy to Obi-Wan Kenobi
tempted to evil when there’s a Galactic coup
becomes second-in-evil command when the shit flips
nearly all the Jedi die and his kids are salted away
to maybe kill him when they’re old enough to lift rocks with their brains.

That all basically happened.
But when pressed by Luke to fill in the details of who Anakin was
how the palace intrigue that formed the Empire worked
when Luke asks for the nitty gritty that’s where the crazy kicks in
Yoda just starts laying out incoherent madness
because as I cannot stress enough Yoda was high as balls.

His permanently fried little mind
spits out details about “midichlorians” and idiot children
Chewbacca doing a fucking Tarzan yell and space 1950s diners
telling kids not to smoke and clumsy lizard bunnies
confusing bets about a drag race and lightsabres just as likely to hurt them as others
space queens dying of a broken heart and love speeches about how sand is yucky
Samuel L Jackson somehow not being a badass and baby clone Boba Fett
just like you would do if you were trying to remember a science fiction movie
you watched at four in the morning as high as the highest balls have ever highed or balled.

That’s why the broad strokes of the prequels fit
and everything else is the kind of stultifying uncanny electric vomit that only
a wizard suffering from PTSD dealing with it by being high as balls for twenty years
could possibly come up with because he was high as balls.
Yoda was telling the prequels as high as balls. Balls as high. High balls as.

The Star Wars Prequels need to be understood
through the prism of one simple yet non-obvious fact:
Yoda was high as balls.

Maybe knowing this our long national nightmare can finally be over
we can finally agree that they never actually happened at all.
We must be remembering it wrong.
We must have been high as balls.

Last updated February 26, 2015