Relieved, Brian, feeling okay. in Since OD is shutting down....

So yesterday ended up being a pretty decent day. I did go back to sleep for awhile and then I had to call about my Amazon.com credit card and make a payment which wasn't easy since I can't find the card. I had a $37 charge that I didn't recognize so they took it off and are going to send me a new card. I made a payment of $100 and plan to pay that every month until my treadmill is paid off. My brother and his friend hooked up my stereo in my car and then my night at work was actually very pleasant. I didn't feel nearly as stressed and actually got some time in on my treadmill.

After our conversation yesterday afternoon, I figured Brian and I were done talking until he sent me a text saying he applied for a job at my work. We had talked about it before but I didn’t think he would actually do it. I didn’t know how to feel about this because I thought we had originally decided not to see each other anymore and then the next thing I know, we text until I got off work and then he asked me to come over. I was drained by the time I got there because I had cried earlier in the day because I dropped out of school and because of him but we made love and passed out.

I accept that we are probably never going to be together. I accept that I do have feelings for him but now that he’s made me cry, my guard is up higher than ever. He text me earlier from work saying he’s really fucking tired (we had to get up at 3:30 so he could be at work at 4) but he thought our night together was incredible and he has DEEP feelings for me. I don’t know how to really believe this considering he still has some relationship with his kids Mom (she’s still gone btw) and he said we just have to see what happens as nothing in life is guaranteed. I find this to probably be bullshit as guys will tell you whatever they need to to keep you around but I refuse to let myself fall for him as it’s a fucked up situation.

It’s cold today with snow on the ground. I had to buy a new hair dryer because my other totally crapped out on me. I’m actually looking forward to going to work as I don’t have to be in a rush to get home and go to bed. I’m very relieved that I don’t have to worry about school anymore. I still feel that I was in the wrong program and I just spread myself too thin and every aspect of my life was suffering because I just had way too much on my plate. I know that dropping out isn’t exactly what I wanted but I couldn’t go on being tired as fuck and essentially more stressed out than I could handle anymore. I am now able to get more sleep, eat better, and spend time on my treadmill so I already feel more relaxed.

I’m a tad annoyed that my blood sugar is like 239 when I walked on the treadmill, ate healthy already today and the only reason it could be high is because I ate at like 5 this morning and I didn’t take any insulin. I took some but now I’m scared it’s going to try to drop later. Ugh, I just need to eat healthy everyday and keep doing my treadmill stuff and if I don’t start seeing the weight drop off, I honestly believe there has to be something medically wrong.

About ready for work. It sucks that it’s cold today because I was hoping for another day not having to wear a jacket. Oh well. I plan on wearing make up today and hoping it’s super busy because I need to make money. I think it will be because it’s cold and shitty out. I’ve decided with Brian that I do like him and have feelings for him but I won’t have expectations because he’s in a really shitty situation and I don’t entirely want to have a boyfriend anyway. I’m going to leave it as ‘if I hear from you, I hear from you and if I don’t, that’s okay too’ and either shit will work out or it won’t but I can’t let myself get upset like I was the past couple of days over him.

I still need to figure out my insurance stuff with Belviq. It does need something from my Dr which I know they’ll do for me but it will just be finding out how much I will have to pay for it out of pocket. Ugh, I hate stressing about this shit.

Anyways, time to get my ass in gear.