virgin snow depression. um and something else. oh yeah nutmeg and anorexia. and writing. in The Wonderland Years: 2015. Done.

yeah so yesterday Stephanie and I were talking about the condoms and I think I told her I had them if I ever decided to have sex. and she said ‘well your mom tells me you’re a virgin, so’. well due to the sex abuse.........stuff I don’t consider myself one. others might and that’s fine i’m just not one of them. not that it’s a big thing. whether I am or not.

so I got out today. today’s the 3rd day this wk. where i’m like no. just. no. I don’t want to do anything as I don’t have the motivation to due to my depression. Stephanie I went to the corner store. well ok we drove. ok she drove. in the snow. it’s a gas station place. I always called them gas stations. in fl I didn’t want to go to them [i’m talking about when I was living there, in college] as I felt weird around the guys who worked there. the people at this one were nice, quiet. evidently there’s a 7 11 by it a liquor store and a bar. i’m already depressed. I don’t think it’s good for me to drink. [not that she was saying that. no she wasn’t but I am. and actually due to my depression getting this bad I haven’t even felt like self destructing. I haven’t felt like drinking. as I just feel numb], I talked myself into going to the store. one of these days i’ll walk there. when it’s not all snowy.

yeah so after we got back I went through a box [I have a few in my room w/ stuff in them] to look and see if...........um. I had writing in there that would pertain to what i’m going to talk about w/ dr. dumke. well not in that box. in that box was a notebook which had a couple poems in it one being repetitive that i’d written. 5 yrs. ago. it talked about my former friend Michael and nutmeg and my eating disorder. I was 22 at the time. actually it’s been almost 5 yrs. next month it will be as the date was march 2010, so. that’s who I was then. I hung out w/ the group we smoked hookah we talked. we drank a little. we either went to the hookah bar or his place. well his mom’s. nice guy. and then it just didn’t work out. I did nutmeg then too apparently. the only good parts about that are 1: i’d get massively hungry and 2: i’d get sleepy. the hangover’s a bitch I don’t like snorting and um. it only lasts for 2 wks. and then wears off. that was before I discovered pot. I’ve thought about doing it over the yrs. but never have.

yeah wow. it was a social experiment for me. i’d read about drugs and drug addicts and I wanted to see what that was like without actually doing hard drugs. so one day I looked it up online and saw what I was in for and then did it.

again wow. it got a little too real after that. it wasn’t like super dark stuff i’d written just. real.

Last updated April 10, 2015