anorexia, ptsd, depression. pat. update. thing. in The Wonderland Years: 2015. Done.

Ya know. i’m actually not self destructing as of late. i’m not drinking [I haven’t had a drink in 2 wks. before that it was like. a shot of my parents’ whiskey. I’ve gone 4.5 months before] i’m not smoking I haven’t cut in almost 2 yrs. my eating habits are. well they’re better i’m again eating 3 things a day. i’m back to doing that for 2 wks. the last time I did that was in Nov. like i’m not where I should be but i’m not where I was.

last month I told dr. davis i’d been raped. and also alexis. but I’ve written about that, so. this wk. I called the PTSD hotline people and told a guy there. he was so warm and nice. I think i’ll call them again. before the last 2 yrs. I never would’ve told people. Pat knew and I wish. we’d had more time.

My depression’s gotten a lot worse this wk. when I was at my mom’s I went out as usual but that didn’t really help a whole helluva lot. ya know no one actually verbalizes the fact that it’s a process. I mean I know that but i’m one of those people who needs to hear things ya know? everyone’s all ‘if you’re depressed go outside’ yeah like it’s that fukin simple. on Mon. I was like I don’t want to go anywhere. just. no. Alexis & I went to noodles and then the computer place. I like how low key she is cause then I can be that way too. I feel like i’ll fall apart at any given moment ‘for no apparent reason’ but the ‘apparent reason’ ........there is an ‘apparent reason’ and that’s the depression. it can’t be the eating cause as said I’ve been doing better w/ that. no it’s the depression. it’s really hard. I told evan this morning how bad it had gotten and he listened and then he’s like ‘you need weed’. no actually I probably do. esp. given what we know. I’m the happiest person when i’m stoned. I remember back in oct. he has some and i smoke a bit and the first thing i say is ‘i love you’. when i’m happy i’m the happiest person you’ll ever meet but when i’m high omygod. yeah so on the depression note dr. davis recently diagnosed me w/ MDD [i think van gogh had that. maybe] which i figured i had. I’ve had it for a long time in her words. and i’m not upset w/ her for that it’s just. that’s the gripping reality of this. i was rearranging earlier this morning and i was like no. i don’t want to do this anymore. not cause it was particularly difficult thing to do but cause again. the depression. i don’t have the motivation atm to do things like that.

oh i got sick on Mon. cause of my period. i don’t get sick from it a lot but usually when i get it it does a number on me. i’m going to tak to my MD about that. i’m tired of having it i don’t really like having it [i’m not one of those ladies who has an easy period] and i don’t see the point in having it. yeah not having it used to scare me [once in college i went 3 months without] but now i’m like omygod i would love to not have it. and i think i might also have gotten sick cause my body’s adjusting to the whole eating thing. maybe. i’m alrite now save for my recurring laryngitis [honey water is awesome for it] and slight tonsillitis [again]. i want a milkshake and mashed potatos my apparent go-to when i don’t feel good.

there’s more as always which. but. that should really go in an upcoming entry, so.

Last updated April 10, 2015