Early Bird. in Whey and Sonic Screwdrivers.

I like the concept of sleeping in, but it ends up depressing me. I need sleep, absolutely. But if I look back to when I was under a tighter schedule and getting 7 hours flat every night, as long as I did get those 7 hours, I felt great. Lately though, it’s impacted by my lack of desire to get up.

I’ve been tossing around the hard idea of literally getting up at some obnoxious hour in the morning, getting to the gym, taking a nap before noon before “starting” my day. If I could pull it off, it would get me a long way towards feeling better. Thing with me, is it’s all or none. I KNOW me. It’s a double-edged annoyance, because I also have issues going to bed.

I hate night classes. I spend all day being anxious over it, and since it’s “late” when I get home, I don’t “feel” like I have enough time to relax. I’ve done a tight schedule before, and I’m baffled now and how I managed to will myself to do it. To come home, take my shoes off, allocate “Okay, I have the next hour to relax and then go to sleep.” I seem to be most productive after a morning class. Since I have no morning classes, I can’t seem to get myself to focus at all.

The entire process of creating artificial structure is daunting, and I’ve never been good at it. When things were hard, I did them because I had to. I just kind of went. And while I’m in no position to throw myself back into something like that, it’s obvious I need to eventually give myself more hard structure (responsibilities whatever) and work my tolerance level back up. My biggest mistake was not acknowledging that I took on too much. I still feel like I need to master reminding myself to Deal and Acknowledge, before I charge forth.

Or saunter forth, whatever.

But like I said, the process of creating artificial structure is daunting. It “feels” like it’s taking up all my time just to take care of myself. And even if those things are good, I feel like I “want” more time to do absolutely nothing. It’s a contradiction, because I seem to rarely enjoy those Scheduled Times. I seem most relaxed when I’m not planning to relax. It’s like going on a vacation and yelling at yourself IT’S TIME TO RELAX NOW. For me, relaxation is the coming-down from something stressful. The gym works, because that’s physical stress.

And it’s tricky because I seem to be unable to handle anything right now, including the physical stress of gymming.

Well, new week. We’ll see what happens.