so i was thinking about moving. and then wed. happened. in The Wonderland Years: 2015. Done.

i’ll get to wed. later.

**damn it’s been a long wk. and hard.

ok so on tues. I admitted to my mom that [well when she asked if Christopher was on his way out I said yes. and by ‘on his way out’ I mean he’s leaving. as in leaving this physical earth] Christopher as said was on his way out. we were at lunch.

I’ve known he was for awhile but hadn’t told her. we don’t talk about the big stuff. well I don’t. and that’s how I want it. I thought she should know but I didn’t want to be the one to tell her. when the time came and she asked how he was i’d go ‘fine’. it takes me a long time to be ready to talk about things. sometimes a really long time. and B when I told her I didn’t want to talk about it [w/ her I mean not in general. as in I really don’t want to talk about it w/ her]. until I was ready. not that she’d know if I’ve not told her but. that’s how I want it.

yeah so that bothered me.

yeah so we were talking about it and she didn’t think me being subjected to that was the best thing for me. well yeah I’ve known that for months now. and yes I did make the choice to not tell her. and I made the choice to stay and be subjected to that. [‘that’ being his aggression]. but i’d rather be comfortable and discontent then uncomfortable and content. no change terrifies me. even if it’s a good change and it’s big. the point isn’t if it’s good or not the point is it’s a change.

the only person who even offered me a place to stay was evan. and he’s outside of the circle. [‘the circle’ being amber, Hannah, Stephanie and myself]. Jessica didn’t even offer that. which I felt like she should’ve. not that she had room for me but at least offer. at least act like you care. at least try. esp. if you’re someone who’s close to me as she was. [that’s the other reason i’m at odds w/ her].

anyway. yeah so on mon. I told my mom and alexis I was thinking of switching agencies. I really don’t want to go into why right now. [not cause it’s super personal just cause I don’t want to]. and they both gave me perspective on that. i don’t like that. once I have my mind up about something I don’t want anyone to change it. which they did. and either I know why that is or I don’t and don’t want to detail it.

Last updated May 29, 2015