It really is time in Days of My Destiny

Where to start......

The day of my birthday was depressing. It seemed as though the girls did everything they could to give me a horrible day, and that got me down and out and frustrated. I also missed everybody's calls, because I was trying to turn our day around and have a great afternoon outside with the girls, but in the meantime they tantrumed and cried and stacked it and bla bla bla. Then L told me I should be grateful for the efforts he made for my birthday. Which I was grateful, I was just missing being spoiled. I was annoyed that mum didn't call for ages and I wandered if she'd forgotten my birthday, which I knew was unlike mum. Turns out she was in class (she's doing a course in English). When I heard my sister's cheerful voicemail and ramblings, I broke down. It was like... that was all I truly needed that day, somebody who would just SHARE with me. Share me, share themselves. Thankfully it all turned around in the days following, as I got many fb birthday wishes. Although I know that without the reminder on fb, nobody would ACTUALLY remember my birthday, but honestly it doesn't matter, it's the fact that they didn't ignore the reminder that made me feel really loved. Also, I found out that a friend of mine, Kim, had secretly organized a surprise birthday dinner for me!!!!!!!!!!! I was SO touched by this. NOBODY has ever done this for me. Then to top it off..... she'd actually organized a cake too!!!!!!!! So I was just.... wow.....! I was really happy.

The trip to Maitland was good. It rained the whole time we were there and we froze. We didn't actually pack many warm clothes seeing as we were only going for one night and it had been stinking hot, so we froze, lol. It was good to see my cousins. It was especially good to see my cousin finally being loved by somebody. It was good to see him happy and comfortable in his skin (he's put on a lot of weight lol), and it was so SO good to see him not even notice when he was missing out on conversation due to being in a world of his own with his girl. He didn't even hear his older brother at one point when he outright made fun of him, lol. It was good to see a lady hanging off his arm. It was lovely. Turned out it was my other cousin's son's 8th birthday the next day, so we quickly went and bought him a box and filled it with lollies, lol. Then my newly-in-love cousin showed up with two large boxes of "Favourites" chocolates for my girls, "for the roadtrip home." LMAO. Yyyyyeah, I'll take those, thanks....! I think 750 grams of chocolate each won't exactly work with my children!

It's rained lots lately which has greened everything up.

Our chook Beetek died. She just hobbled around for a day, then lay around all day, unable to walk, and then she died. Just like that. There were no ticks or anything like that and it was sad because she WAS such a fighter and also very beautiful to look at.

We are going to be in touch with a social worker over the next week or so. M's behaviour has just been too much and I think it's high time we deal with the issues she is facing in her short life. She's had a LOT of change happen in her life, and the love I gave her was very .... conditional, I suppose, when she was very small. We had a rocky start, and although I've done a LOT - A LOT - of work on my parenting and self, I am now facing the consequences of that rocky start. We spoke to a phone counsellor the other day and she suggested that perhaps a bit of play therapy would help our daughter. We also need strategies to work with who she is. The counsellor said quite a few things that were really really helpful. The main one being that genetics really do play a HUGE amount in how a person turns out. I knew genetics played a part, but she said that new developments in research show that they play a HUGE part. So that was interesting, and also a relief, because it means that perhaps if I'd parented any other way, we'd still have the child that we have - who reminds my in-laws a LOT of their own firstborn when she was little. The counsellor said that while I did cause damage, I can't swallow up in my guilt and parent from a place of guilt because that's not what it's about either. She also said that sometimes...................................................................... sometimes two people just DO NOT gel, even if they are your own family. She said that having a baby is like throwing a complete stranger into your home and figuring them out, and that personality traits and characters vary greatly and sometimes, you get someone that you would never have chosen as a friend for yourself.

....................................................................................................... that's kind of how it feels like sometimes.

She understood completely our situation and said a lot of words before I did. For example she hi the nail on the head when she said how exhausting it is. Yes!!! It is EXHAUSTING. It's like you're walking on eggshells because you never know when she's going to crack. Our little M.......... she's so insanely bright.............. she's also aggressive, hurtful with her words (and enjoys being this way), she's a perfectionist , it's hard to talk her through something that's gone on when she cracks it because when she does.... holy moly you better run for cover. Things escalate and wow it's just ongoing and unpredictable. As soon as we made the decision to call somebody for help, she turned into an angel, miraculously, but we decided to go ahead with it anyway, because I see these issues need to be resolved, independent of her behaviour. Also at school it has been relayed to me that she has poor concentration skills. She's bright and doing the work of older children, but lacks concentration, which is a sign of what's happened in her life. Poor concentration is one of the many symptoms of children with poor self-esteem.

In the meantime I have been told about a Family Support Services group in the next town who run parenting programs. I've also been told about another program I can find online. If the social worker sees that there is more to work through, she will refer me back to the psychologist I spoke to today.

It really is time.

Other than that, things are, well.................. well enough, with that backdrop.