Low in Torridaussity Two

First with the great news of the day…my brother and parents left a little while ago to bring my grandfather home. Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers.

Now for the low…I am feeling low partly because it is that time of the month and my emotions always go haywire then and partly because I am scared of what’s going on in my life. My mom and dad have been mentioning if things don’t change soon they may have to file for bankruptcy and this devastates me for them. They are such good people and help others all the time and because of my dad’s old company going bankrupt and them losing some of their savings there and their ongoing medical problems it just isn’t fair. I have no spare money and am in debt myself hence the reason I said I shouldn’t be going to Iceland, but even though I am in debt I am also able to pay it off. Plus my mom and dad’s health just isn’t the best in general and so that stresses me out. I just wish I could help them.

This morning in church I started to cry because I just feel so lost. Things with my job are ok, I love the kid I work with at school and the staff there, but the kid I work with after school is really trying my patience and I am not sure how much more I can take and it isn’t just him his parents are what really drive me nuts. As people I can handle the, but all they do is yell and scream at him and don’t use the appropriate interventions from his treatment plan. The dad sits on the laptop almost the whole time and mom is busy doing homework with the younger sister instead of learning how to deal with their child and I admit I have lost the drive to help them because they don’t seem to want it.

So although we aren’t to have our phones with us lately I keep looking at mine when I am there. I don’t respond to anyone or write anything I just might read an email quick while they are eating dinner or if the kid is in time out. I shouldn’t and I know this. I don’t even do it openly I keep it in my bag and just look in the bag at the phone. Also because of my grandfather I would check for updates on him because I can’t call up to the hospital and find out and my family would text me updates of their visit with him. I am mentioning this because the kid the other day says when my phone made a noise oh better not answer it mom says that’s all you do it sit on your phone. Well for one I didn’t get the phone out and wasn’t planning too because I don’t just get it out all the time. The dad immediately said she did not say that. You misunderstood her, but I can’t be sure because they talk about all the other people that work with their kid behind their backs so she could have said that. I admit in the last 2 weeks I’ve looked at it more, but I take offense to it being all I do. I am the only one who does things with him. He will ask his parents to play with him or listen to him and they don’t. I am now paranoid though that this mom is going to say something to my supervisor and I don’t need that. I guess I just need to make a conscience effort to not look at it ever and double my efforts with the kid even though they still won’t do anything. I just hope that appeases any comments being made about the phone. The funny thing is they ask me to use it to time his timeouts so part of the time my phone is out for that and they ask for it. I give up with them if I didn’t need the money I would ask to be taken off the case and I have never done that in the 10 years I have been there. But yeah that’s been weighing on my mind this weekend.

I started looking for a new job, but I can’t really take a new one until September because of my vacation. I don’t even know what I could do. My German degree isn’t useful here and my bachelor’s in Psych doesn’t get me far. If it paid well and had benefits I almost would want to work at a hotel or something that had nothing to do with real life people and problems if that makes sense.

I just want to feel happy again instead of like I am living my life waiting for the next piece of sky to come crashing down on me.