Tired Rambles re Parenting etc in Days of My Destiny

Awwww.... just got a missed call from Janet. She left a message, wishing me a happy birthday. So sweet. She found out about my birthday on the weekend. The funny thing is... my birthday isn't today, it's tomorrow LMAO. Still, it put a smile on my face and I definitely needed THAT!

I'm actually not overly excited about my birthday this year, it's looking pretty dismal. M will be at school, L will be sleeping as he is on night shift. He won't be with me when my birthday starts and he wont' be with me when my birthday ends. I'll have the usual day with Little L, prancing around and being Parent. Ugh. I could just go watch a movie by myself. I had thought of going with Little L but seriously....... if it's a movie for ME, she will last about 10 minutes. And then cry cos she's bored. And so on. L has been asking me what I want him to cook for dinner on my birthday. Such a sweet, sweet man he is. Honestly though, I can't think of anything. I don't like choosing. I told him I like surprises. I just don't want to have to decide anything on my birthday or be responsible in any way or be serving anybody or have demands made on me by anybody (read, Little L!!!!). But yeah, it's not anything I can particularly change so that's one thing I need to work around in my head. Change my perspective.

Yesterday both my girls woke up an hour earlier than they usually do. No problem with that, until the youngest, L, starts crying about everything because she hasn't had enough sleep. I handled it well yesterday. Today the same thing happened and today, I'm not handling it as efficiently, because I also am very tired. My tirednesss is kind of my own fault. Last night I was on the laptop for quite a while, trying to sort out my studies. Once I had enough, I joined my man in the lounge room who was watching TV. He always watches TV every single night when he's on Night Shift because it's the only way he can stay awake before having to go to work at 10pm. So I joined him and strained my eyes further by watching TV. Once he left, I went to bed and read, therefore straining my eyes even FURTHER. So yeah. it's a stupid cycle I get in sometimes and in an ideal world, I would go to bed at 9pm every night, fall asleep by 9:30 and so waking up earlier than usual wouldn't be a problem. But it IS a problem because I am HUMAN and I like to chill out at night. Anyhow..... so I'm tired today. Feeling ... meh. For some reason, I looked up L's ex's facebook today. She was his last serious girlfriend before I came into the picture. He was with her for 3 years in high school, but they remained friends for a few years after that. They're not friends anymore, and I've been with L for 9 years now and so looking her up, I was coming from a place of curiosity. Even though she ended the friendship with L shortly after I came into the picture and was rude about it (and was rude to me), going by what she puts on her page, I can't help but like her. She's funny and quirky and cute. But anyhow. She also resembles me somewhat...... we have the brown eyes and brown hair. There's not much more to it than that, other than our noses being somewhat similar, and our features are placed on our faces in similar ways.

Today I don't feel OLD, but I just feel like.... why did I ever have kids? And also, how on EARTH can a small child have THIS MUCH ENERGY, no matter how much sleep they get??? Can't they be half-zombies for a day like the grown-ups? I mean, my eyebags are the size of golf balls here, my eyes constantly feel puffy. I KNOW how superficial that sounds, but just allow me to feel this for a minute. My skin is constantly dry. My feet are constantly tired. I tire easily. And so on. These are things I can work on with diet and better sleep and more water. It just takes more effort because I have less time. The usual argument. Today I think I'm feeling like.... other women my age who don't have kids don't look as old as I do. They might feel as old, and they probably think they have a million wrinkles or something, but in my head it's like... I imagine all the people who haven't had kids yet or won't have kids at all, standing there, pointing at me, going, "HA HA!!!! HA HA HAAA!!!! HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!" and laughing until they get stitches.

I should just get rid of that stupid image, lol. And focus on being positive. I KNOW that all of this is only in my head because I am tired and really, the bottom line is

I COULD DO WITH SOME MORE SLEEP HERE.