Maybe I Just Needed To Blog Him in meh...

I’m thinking about him. Not “Him” him. A different him that I gave a try for a couple of useless years.

This him was also an out of towner. Met him in a poetry group. He wrote like no one’s business. He wrote like he could do it for a living. He’s a service man. Smart. Gorgeous. Mysterious because he didn’t let me in. Didn’t have to. He had a wife for his secrets. I didn’t know that until the very end. The trip I made to see him made that much more sense when I realized his marital status.

We had an element of intensity that I don’t even think I shared with Him. It was like white hot embers from a fire pit. I kept the details of us secret for so long. Not really secret, but I just wanted to keep it to myself. He was, adventurous. Not Grey’s 50 Shades of adventurous, but more like 33 1/2 shades of freakiness. Because of the distance we did things. Text messages, phone calls, simulated relational things. He was my equal in this field. I alway thought Him would be scared off if I told him how I liked thing so I just met him on his level. That is until he was done playing with me and met me on MY level. But that’s only been recently. LOL

Anyway He was like Him if Him would be uptight and serious. Let me say that over using their initials. They were two sides of the same coin. If D were more uptight he would be W. If W would let down his guard and be more goofy he would be D. So needless to say I was actually in love with them both at the same time for a moment. Or a semblance thereof. Because they were the same person,in essence. Their hybrid was called “Drill”. (don’t ask…lol)

Anyway I thought about my last day in the town where He lives. We had just gone for a drive and he was showing me his city. Showed me which way to go to get to his job. The goal of this trip, however was to take me to get something to eat. We got back to my room and laid across the bed. He started hugging me and rolling around on the bed with me. It was sweet. Everything about him holding me, hugging me from the moment I got there, suggested that he was happy to see me, he was happy I was there and he wanted to hold me like that for a while. Each embrace was so… so…fuckin secure. I didn’t want him to let me go. So we lie there, he was telling me about his school back in Aviano, Italy (he was also a military brat). After the conversation, he stood up and reached out for me. I stood up and he turned his back to me and reached for my hands and wrapped my arms around him, rubbing my hands on his body. He then stretched and leaned backward. He is much taller than I. I stood on my toes and kissed the back of his head, then leaned my head into his back and just held him.

The cause of this rememberence is probably because he’s thinking of me. There was a time, when we were ending and after we ended, when I was refusing to call him, I was ready to let it die, I was embarrassed and I wanted to just be over him. Out of nowhere, I would have dreams about him. I was dreaming about his email address. I would have random thoughts about him and I wasn’t even in the mindframe that would warrant a thought of him. Just out of the blue he invaded my thoughts. Weeks later he would text or call.

After our last communication, I think it’s pretty clear that we can never talk or even be friends because after repeatedly asking if he was married, he would say no or either give me some stupid vague answer. But I found her. On Facebook, that blasted fuckin social monster. I took a picture of her “About” space that listed him as her husband. I said, “When you can explain that to me, then we can talk about what we are going to do together.” Never heard from him again. I was broken up because I wanted to uproot what little life I had here and go start a new one. But he lied. I knew something was wrong, couldn’t put my finger on it, but something was eating at me. That was it.

And so a few times within a few months, he’s been in my dreams. One of the last dreams I had about him I was afraid of him, like he was stalking me. I was never afraid of him but in this dream I was. I guess he was mad that I came to him like I did but he knew he was wrong so what could he say actually?

Maybe I just needed to blog him. And now maybe He will disappear. Unfortunately, he won’t. I don’t forget people easily. If I met you, and you effected me or my life, I still remember you.

That’s all from the mid-left…:)

Kindest regards,
Sister

Last updated February 19, 2015