Entry 15-02.16.46 in Book Two: The Fifteenth Year of the Third Millennium of the Common Era

It is Monday the 16th of February of the year 2015. I have scant few days left to prepare and I am driving myself quite mad. On the other hand, it has been wonderful to see such support. Both on Facebook (from friends old and new) to here… it has really helped keep me going. Because, I’ll admit… there is a significant difference between slogging through yet another task and tackling something with purpose!

Of course… largely due to the frustrating and frightening day yesterday; I could not sleep. So I helped around the house a little before plunging into the study. I emptied the dishwasher, took out the recycling, did some laundry… nothing major but a little assistance.

My wife awoke around 10:30 and I had an interesting opportunity for personal observation. I was between laundry loads and could easily have continued studying, but I didn’t. I paused to reflect on the specific reason as to why. It is not as if I haven’t studied in front of her before. Since she was to leave for work around 1:00, I could have easily gotten in some studying between her waking up and leaving for work. But it all came down to an insignificant factor. Usually, she sees me studying at the end of the day. So any struggling or grappling she may bear witness to is likely attributable to the fact that I have been working for so long. But if she sees me at the beginning of the day, and I am struggling or grappling, she may be less supportive. It is likely an irrational fear but one that occurred nonetheless. I did not wish to begin a hard day by disappointing my wife.

Ultimately, I did begin studying (closer to the completion of laundry). As anticipated, I didn’t finish the Real Property Outline last night; but while I worked through it today, I forced myself to face a recent failure that (I confess) causes me a great deal of dread. That property essay a few days ago? I still struggled to find answers that I could submit without being overcome by a sense of absolute ruin. So, while it may not be perfect for what the graders had anticipated, as I built my outline- I looked for better answers so that I could resubmit the essay. I wrote out rules of law, detailed how they applied, and avoided going into detail on issues that looked like red herrings. I already know I messed that up a little. The question involved when/if a legal right was severed for a third party. Foolishly, I answered the question like a lawyer… meaning, client says “Here is problem” and my response is “Here is solution.” On the bar… not supposed to answer that way. We are, and it pisses me off to no end, supposed to answer as third-person omniscient. We don’t respond as if we are given the facts and then asked to decipher legal rules; we are supposed to respond as if we are living the story and able to footnote it. Gah. Hate that. We’ll see what becomes of that.

After completing the essay re-do; I went back to more MBE Multiple Choice Questions! 126 questions, to be precise. A combination of Contracts and Civil Procedure. There are lots of things revolving around this little irritant. First, I need to be able to sit and (depressing as the struggle may be) do the entire thing without getting up and moving around. Because that is how I am going to have to take the MBE next Wednesday. Second, I need to tackle this with an eye on time. Yes, Civ Pro is a beast but I need to be able to answer 100 questions of varying lengths, intricacies, and difficulties within 3 hours… and have the strength and endurance to turn around and do it again. At this point, I was predicting that the 77 Civil Procedure Questions would result in abject failure, but I was still hoping my Contracts knowledge wouldn’t fail me too much. The ultimate verdict? I actually felt pretty confident during the Contracts portion… but that confidence only netted me a 58%. Civil Procedure? 50% So out of 126 questions, I answered 84 correctly for a total of 67%. Despite how it may have upset the schedule or added more to an already full mind and day; I was not content to merely accept that. Instead, I thoroughly read each answer explanation to try to genuinely increase my understanding. Who knows if any of it took, but I am certainly hoping!

Ugh. I was so hoping to push forward and ever onward but after that experience, I had to take a little break for myself which, considering the late hour, will likely result in this being the end of my day. Grumble. Oh well. I am super looking forward to tomorrow. A work colleague wants to hang out so she and her husband are meeting my wife and I at Buffalo Wild Wings for a late lunch/happy hour thing. I have no idea why she would call me out of the blue like she did but… I’m looking forward to socializing in real life again for a change. I honestly haven’t gone out and done something for a long time… I’ve been too focused, obsessed, and worried about this damned bar exam. Mind you, I’ll still study tomorrow. Oh, never doubt that. Hell, my day is going to start with 184 MBE Multiple Choice questions… but still, I’m looking forward to hanging out with people.

Today I chose Anime Songs! The first is the opening for the first season of Blood X (or Blood +). The second is the opening full song for the anime called Xam’d. The third is opening for Shikabane Hime (my favorite of the three mentioned). The whole Bar process connects with me in a way pertinent to these anime. My entire life, I’ve been heralded as special, even amongst others with gifts. I was intelligent, I was clever, I was good with words, I was sensitive, I was perceptive, I was intuitive… I couldn’t make a birdhouse or draw a portrait or excel at math but I could read, and think, and debate, and excel at some of the intangible social things in this world. I was told there was a destiny waiting for me. A dare to be great moment that would show me and the world that I had potential to be something important. Whether for good or bad was up to me… but it was practically presumed that with my talents and the resources available to me… I would do something or be somebody. I just can’t help but think that… the window is narrowing. The available opportunities to embrace whatever may have been predicted for my future are slimming and I can think of nothing more heartbreaking, more soul crushing, more emotionally painful… then to never come close to achieving the promise I was supposed to have.