The ability to be hurt. in 2015

I have a sinus infection from hell. At least I think I do. I have so much pressure and pain in my nose/face/eyes that I’m ready to just drill a hole in my head myself to relieve some pressure. I feel like if I opened my mouth wide enough, my teeth would come shooting out like little bullets lol.

I will say though, one thing about everything going swell in a relationship, is that if there is a tiny squabble, it hurts.

For the last year, all of 2014, possibly 2013 as well, I have put up this wall/guard that has made it so that I don’t care. When he says or does things or we fight, I am very VERY RARELY hurt. I never cried over his stupid shit because I didn’t care. I didn’t care if we got a divorce, I didn’t care if he wanted to leave. I didn’t value him at all.

That is all different now. Now that I’ve adjusted and made changes in my life, my feelings have changed. I fear losing him. I enjoy being around him so much that now I have re-given him the ability to hurt me. Which is the way its supposed to be really lol… I’m not supposed to emotionally check out. But I did. Now that I’ve checked back in, I’ve cried twice. And both were for completely ridiculous reasons.

Its the same with my mom,(but the opposite) I’ve kind of cut her out. I have to dedicate and entry to her and all that shes put me through but I will do that when I have time. I’m thinking part of the reason that Chris has come around and turned it all around lately is because he sees that my mom has totally checked out of my life. I won’t complain. I need him, as a husband and the father of my kids, so however that happens, oh well.

Long story short, it seems as though my mom is trying to mentally destroy or sabotage me every chance she gets. She has moved part time to the city and my dad and her are getting a divorce I believe. Its easier now that shes gone though. I have less disappointment.

Have to go now, the kids are driving me mental.

Kristen <3