frustrated in just testing

Since Will got a new job, our health insurance is up in the air - and of course that's the time his asthma acts up.

SO I called our old insurance. They said even though he's left the company he's still listed as active to them so I can use their card to send Will to the doc BUT at any time he can be 'inactive' and I won't know when it happens - unless I call everyday.

I called the new insurance and they said he is not listed as active yet - I don't even have a card from them yet anyway/

So I made an appointment for WIll on our old insurance.

But because Will's training with his new job is different everyday - of course they scheduled him for when he's doing training and he had to cancel.

So he's not going to the doc. And he may no go till next week when he 'officially' starts and he's hours are normal. He was hired to work 3pm to 1am but during his training he comes and goes whenever they feel like.

Right now he's still dependent on his inhaler. To the point that this morning he couldn't find it and wouldn't leave for work without it.

Before his episode almost 2 weeks ago he never took his inhaler anywhere. NOW he can't go a day without having it on him.

And NOW I think if that's the case then we should have multiple inhalers. One in the house and one in the car - maybe even 1 in my car - so he's covered when he really needs it.

But we can't get it - or them - till he goes to the doctor. And when you don't know what your schedule is day to day it's hard to make a doc appointment.

I'm really scared for him. I don't want him to be dependent on an inhaler. Especially when losing weight could help. I really think it's just weight related at this point but he refuses to do anything about it.

And I get it. When you've failed so much on so many different things - you give up on yourself. You just get hopeless and stop trying because it really hurts to fail over and over and over.

He - like me - has tried many times. He's enrolled in multiple gyms and has tried different pilss, etc. since before he knew me.

Once he got into trucking and had no time for himself he just gave up.

BUT with this regular schedule of 3pm to 1am I don't even know when he'd have the time. He leaves our place at 2pm to get there by 3pm and works till 1am, gets home at 2am. If he went STRAGHT to sleep from getting in the door he'd go to bed at 2am and wake up at 11am, and he has 3 hours to himself before leaving for work. IF he was dedicated maybe he would take an hour of his 3 hours to work out - but I doubt it.

And if he can't even manage to get through sex without his inhaler I don't see him walking on a treadmill for 30 mins.

I would LOVE for us to go together but the only time our schedule matched up is when I had a 9 - 5 and he was unemployed! Once he got into trucking our schedules haven't matched up since and we never got to gym together again.

I don't even go - but I would if it would motivate him to. I'm not a very good example.

It's a rough situation for him. And it was even rougher before he got this job.

The only thing I can think of - since they say 3 days of 30 mins of exercise is all you need. IF we both went to the gym on Saturdays and sundays and he took 1 day out of the week to do it on his own. We COULD make a difference. I mean - neither one of us are doing anything NOW so anything would be an improvement right???

But.... sad to say - I don't have any faith in him. I doubt he'll spend money on a gym because he doesn't believe in himself. We have the Kinect and the Wii and different exercise dvds so I can get him to do that with me instead but ...

every time I suggest exercise he turns it around into me insulting him and calling him fat and we get into MASSIVE fights and .... it really rocks our foundation.

I want him to move out, I want a divorce, I don't want to LIVE LIKE THIS ANYMORE. I say those things. And I mean them.

We have been having the same fights over weight loss and a healthy life style for YEARS and rarely does the outcome lead to anything I want because he can't be budged.

And I DON'T want to do this fight forever. I DON'T.

So I don't know what to do.

I'll see if he's willing to do work outs with me on the weekends but I doubt it.

I hate myself. The only thing I've got going for me is I'm kind. I've got a kind personality. I'm not all that smart, I have no measurable talent and I'm certainly not physically attractive. Yes they may be uglier people out there but even if I was QUEEN of all the ugly people, that doesn't make me any better.

And yea - I think fat is UGLY. You can have acne, glasses, buck teeth, scars - doesn't matter. You can have all that but if you're thin - you're better looking than me.

That's how I really feel.

And I don't need any comments where everyone's like "oh, that's not true" and blah blah blah cause I won't believe you.

Oh well - I'm done.