Making mistakes and shit. in Since OD is shutting down....

Ok so there’s been some new things going on lately. Um first of all I banged it down with some dude last night. He is brothers to a guy I met a couple of times and he ended up coming over to chill yesterday and yeah…it happened. He basically used me for a piece of ass. Turns out he has a pregnant girlfriend and yeah…typical bullshit for where I live. I knew from the start he was out of my league because he’s super good looking but to find out I was used really pisses me off. Whatever.

Anyways, the other guy across the state is no more. I have a tendency of giving a fuck about the wrong people and completely fucked it up. I honestly don’t really care about dudes for the first few weeks but I showed this guy I cared too much too fast and now, we are probably never going to speak again. The first thing is we can’t communicate for shit, things led to silent treatment, then kinda got shit figured out to me getting pissed as I felt he wasn’t putting in enough effort to him getting mad back saying this is why he doesn’t date and for me to give him a call when I grow up. I didn’t realize I was immature for telling someone how I felt so now I’m pissed enough to not care if we speak ever again. I really just don’t give a fuck. If we already have these many issues with communication, I will continue being single.

I’ve come to realize that I’m learning how I fuck shit up without even realizing it and my biggest problem is trying to hard too fast and them not having to make much effort as I’m doing enough for the both of us. I need to learn that I can’t be the only trying and that if they aren’t meeting me halfway then obviously they really don’t fucking care. I see how I push too hard because I thrive to feel like other people give a shit about me when all I really need is to care about me. It seems like I either don’t care about someone or it’s the other extreme of me caring too much and showing them that I will do more than them. I just get into this habit and I don’t know how to stop or something. It’s old and I wish I would learn that no one really gives a shit and I think maybe God will give people that care when I’m ready for them. Or something. Fuck. I don’t even know anymore.

I ended up buying a new car today. They’ve been bugging me about test driving some cars and then today they called asking me down so I did. I got a really nice car and I’m in love with it. It’s not like last time where I was absolutely heartbroken so I didn’t care what kinda car I got and this time it’s even better because I don’t have to give the down payment, my payments are the same amount and my insurance only went up $12. I’m pretty stoked it.

Anyways, I’m exhausted. Bedtime.