Entry 15-02.02.33 in Book Two: The Fifteenth Year of the Third Millennium of the Common Era

Cor, Blimey!

This Bar Exam insomnia has really messed me up. I didn’t fall asleep until 5 am; slept until 10. So… five hours, sure. But… stack that up enough times? I just want to go back to sleep right now! But I know that if I do that, then I won’t be able to sleep tonight. So, I have to push forward in a near zombie-state so I can try to wrest control over my sleep cycles again. Of course… as this is supposed to be a reading day… the whole don’t fall asleep thing is so much more difficult! And as our kitchen is a mess, because I’ve been focusing so much on trying to study and/or trying to work through my stupid insomnia… my wife has kindly spent some of her first Day Off this week cleaning the kitchen. I know she is irked as all get out because… as I am spending 99.9% of all of my time studying for the bar exam… she feels like she needs to clean up after me. Of course, I keep thinking… leave the soda cans on the desk- sooner or later, I’ll need the space and take care of them. But- she likes things her way, and even though I know that.... lack of sleep and desperation of study has made me less than fun to live with.

Brilliant. After I finished the last paragraph, work called desperately asking me to take more shifts this week. I’m already doing a full 6 hours on Thursday and they want me to do 3 hours tomorrow morning and 3 hours on Wednesday morning. Of course, I can’t do Wednesday morning because I’m already scheduled to meet with a writing instructor to attempt to get my Bar Essays closer to a passing grade. I don’t know if I can even afford to do this, but both physically and emotionally- I just want to let myself break right now; just for a moment. Have a total breakdown, clean myself up, and push on.

By the by, if any of you are wondering why I’m bitching so much more about the bar exam this time as opposed to last time… there are several simple explanations for that. (1) I am studying at least five times harder this time than last; (2) this exam means ten times as much as it did since last time; (3) I am actively trying to keep up with my study schedule; and (4) I genuinely care if I pass this time! Last time… I admit, I only studied for about a month. I honestly didn’t care if I passed or not because I had no idea what to expect or what to aim for. This time? This time I know by number what I need to do in order to achieve in the Multiple Choice area. Last time, out of 200 questions, I got a score 115. Honestly, not sure if that was the “curved” score or the straight score… but either way, that means I need to get a higher score than that next time. Preferably, something closer to 140. So I need to elevate my score by 25 points. That doesn’t even include or count the essay portions. Each essay is worth 6 points… yes, only six because they grade them ridiculously harshly. But The essays count as a significant portion. In other words, lets say I get 140 points multiple choice… or a 70%. Now let us assume I do smashingly well on the essays and actually achieve scores of 3. My bar entirety will still be 60%. And, while the percentages don’t matter… the only thing that matters is how well you do compared to everyone else that is taking the test… there is also a mandatory 20% failure rate. So… pretend for a moment that the exam is tricky enough that there are only 4 scores and everyone fell among those scores. If you are on the bottom of that pile… even if the score was an 86%; you fail. So… all of that considered- yeah, I’m bitching more. I’m stressing more. I’m working more. I’m fearing more. Last time, consistent failures on practice exams simply meant “Whulp, hope it isn’t on the exam!” Now? Consistent failures on practice exams mean, “Holy shit, this is a giant gaping weak spot that I can’t afford.”

Now that I’ve kvetched and gone on for too long… back at it, if I can stay awake. Who knows? Maybe I’ll use tomorrow’s work morning, wednesday’s meeting, and thursday’s work afternoon appropriately. Get out of the house for a change… grab my study materials, go to Starbucks and study there… where I can’t possibly be distracted by how much I want to return to my bed… or how much I want to help my wife tidy the house… or how much I’d rather be playing a video game this month… or how desperately I’d like to feel sexy and desirable. The more I think about it… the more I wonder if maybe a change of scenery really would do me a lot of good.

I’ll leave with a few things to hopefully entertain, offend, or offer insight.

Today is Groundhog’s Day… the title of a wonderful Harold Ramis movie, may he rest in peace. I often think about this hypothetical situation and consider what I would do. Almost all selfish and/or self-improving things. Because, frankly, what would we do if everything outside of our own understanding was never truly impacted? Nobody you met that day would remember you, nobody you influenced that day would remain influenced, no action that day would ever have permanence… so, read up, study those things you enjoy, learn things you’ve always wanted to… and, though it may be self-obsessed and cruel… in a way, that almost sounds like a paradise. Even if the phenomenon did last around 10 years (as Ramis states in a commentary). The freedom to learn anything and everything you want to; with no regard for time. Sounds lovely.

Call me insane, call me offensive, but… I’ve been curious as to how to relay (what I find to be) an interesting element of my existence, or at least my sexual existence. A number of people post pictures and/or videos but… it is always difficult for me to consider what may be viewed as pornographic. However, I can say with confidence that what follows has not been deemed as pornographic by internet censors and yet is still sufficient to arouse me. This, then, is the example I’d like to share of how… another person’s enjoyment is really all I need to rev my engine.

Finally, the legal resource Bloomberg Law filmed this video a few years ago to help people in my position share a modicum of the fun of Bar Exam. Enjoy