Here in Random Thoughts

I have been home a little less than a week. School has started and i am teaching. Home life has been difficult, my mind and heart are in tumult. I made the poor decision to skim through my old Opendiary entries, specifically looking for those entries devoted to Mark. I saw the beginning of our relationship, my decent into the madness of love (hahaha). On December 23rd, 2007 I wrote that I knew Mark was the man i was going to marry. That was a wonderful Christmas. He surprised me with diamond stud earrings. I was floored. It was an incredibly thoughtful gift.

Then i moved on to my May 2008 trip to Ireland where i met my friend’s children and decided that i really wanted to kids. I agonized over communicating that with Mark. I knew at the beginning that children would be the big hurdle in our life- him being 13 years older than i. Then from June on.... the mental and emotional stress of Mark’s non communication. At one point i asked myself “How long do i wait? One month? Until the new year? Until i fall apart?” And i really was at that falling apart state by the time i broke it off in January 2009. That was 6 effing years ago! I made so many mistakes after our breakup. I wish i had taken him up on counseling, but i had convinced myself i was done. I wish i hadn’t clung on to a useless rebound relationship (even though Ricky was sweet, silly, made me laugh and smile when i was so heartbroken).

All i think about it how i wish Kevin was as kind and thoughtful as Mark. I wish i felt as loved, as cherished, as comforted and taken care of. It really highlights all the issues in our relationship that i have known about, even talked about with a couple people, but never allowed myself to really feel. I really kept thinking that things would work out. But the relationship is so complicated. I don’t even know how marriage or a child will make anything work smoother. I don’t know how Marrying Kevin will celebrate us.

What i really need to do is talk with someone… bring it out into the open. Talk with someone i know, not just the internet ethers. I need to talk with someone, tell them everything about how things have really been with Kevin… because i left out so many words, fights, experiences…because i was so ashamed that i have put up with so much from him.

This is not an ending space, by any means, but it is time for me to go home. Exercise, get school work done, read.... maybe even talk.

Thank you internet ethers, as i know you are the only ones listening.