Thoughts in Torridaussity Two

So the funeral for my grandpa’s Helen was Saturday and now that the formal process of grieving is done, I can begin to move forward in my own healing in my own way. When a death happens in my family or close friends, it makes me become very contemplative about my own life’s journey. I think about how if I ever get married there is now one less person in my life who I loved that won’t be there to share in my joy, how if I ever have children they won’t know the wonderful people I had in my life, what if I never get married, what if I die tomorrow, what if someone else dies too soon and will I be able to handle it. As time passes these thoughts fade, but they are always there in the back of my mind and at the oddest trigger come to the forefront of my mind. They can reduce me to tears in mere seconds.

I am in a clear funk and although not harmful to my life, I am relapsing in poor judgement as to who I let into my life and have a hold on me and in the long run will probably break my spirit. Sometimes I just wish they would, if they completely broke me, I think then I could cut them out completely. Instead a piece of me breaks here or there and I continue to let them corrode my soul and one day it will be broken. Sometimes we have to hit the bottom in order to get to the top.

My grandfather…he is hurting. I hurt for him. He had two great loves in his life. He is 93. He continues to move forward, but the sparkle is dull in his eyes now. I pray it comes back.