thinking of you in 2015

11:21pm

Tomorrow is my only day off this week and of course I am staying up way too late. I should be taking advantage of the extra sleep time, but oh well. That’s just how I do things. =|

I have two half-started entries saved in the drafts folder online, but I’m not sure when I’ll be able to finish them. Work’s getting busy and I try to use the writing as a way to calm my mind. It lets me focus on one thing without getting stressed and/or overwhelmed by everything going on around me. It’s kinda difficult to be such an introvert in an environment where I’m having to talk to multiple people while running around all day. I need the quiet calm to really settle me down.

That might be why I always find myself walking back from the mailbox at the end of the day and just staring up at the stars. It’s always so peaceful and calm out there. I can’t imagine living in a place where I couldn’t see those stars every night.

In terms of actual life stuff, there isn’t much to update on. Life is going well, as usual. I’m trying to work on a few things, but right now the attempts are mostly half-hearted. I want to change, but I can’t find any real motivation to actually stick with things. Mostly I want to change enough to just be happy with who I am. I think life would really finally be complete once I could figure out how to be happy with myself. This self. Not the one that may or may not exist in the future.

I guess I’ll jot down a little update on CK since there have been a couple reminders of him today.

Well, mostly those reminders happen a lot, but I’ve been trying my best to ignore them.

I haven’t heard from him in a little while. Funny how everything happened around all the holidays. Like there was that get-together the day before Halloween. Then that awkward run-in on Thanksgiving that seemed totally out of left field with the way he was acting. Followed by Christmas Eve when he was sitting out in his truck and I thought he saw me so I sent that text. Which I’m sure made him feel obligated to wish me a Merry Christmas the next day. I made that joke about it snowing, he didn’t get it, and I explained myself. Then....nothing.

No New Years communication so I guess that holiday was spared. Which was probably for the best because I really needed to start fresh and that’s always the perfect marker for it.

I mean, I even went so far as to drink that bottle of Irish Death that’s been sitting in the fridge for ever. [Did I write about that?] It was just this constant reminder every time I opened the refrigerator and it needed to go. You can’t start over when something gets shoved in your face every day.

It’s weird because that seems to happen a lot in this situation. A few days ago I was skimming through my old calendar looking for birthdays and other random work info that I might have written down. There were all kinds of little reminders of days that he stopped by. I didn’t check for sure [I didn’t want to take it that far] but I swear he was coming by the office like at least once a week. Sometimes he would just walk by and wave through the window. Or sometimes he wouldn’t say anything at all but he’d still hit the coffee shop several times a week. I know he didn’t have that much work to do either!

So all that was in there. Then today my old coworker stopped by to show off her new grandson. Super cute that kid.

Everyone was standing around talking, catching up, and she asked if I’d found a cowboy yet. Which was fine because she meant it in the general sense. She knows I dig those country boys ;-)

But then later, as she was leaving, she said that maybe I could work on the cowboys’ paperwork this year. Luckily for me everyone was distracted giving hugs and I got away with just making a comment about how I would have to find him [a cowboy] first. Knowing full well who she was actually talking about, of course.

After work, and church, Mom and I decided to go out to dinner. We’d only been there a few minutes when a bunch of ladies walked in in these fancy skirts. They were all dressed up. I said something about liking their skirts and Mom told me that they were having a square dancing thing somewhere in town. I asked if it was every weekend, but apparently it’s only a special event kinda thing.

I would love to learn square dancing, or any other “country” dancing really, because it would probably be the only ones I’m good at. hah. I whispered to Mom that maybe she could be my partner and we could sneak in to the event, because I didn’t know any guys to go with.

Her response? “Why don’t you invite CK? He likes to dance! He could go with you!” At first I didn’t hear the name exactly. We were whispering. But then she repeated it and I laughed out loud. I tried to blow it off by saying that I didn’t know where he was. That he was probably long gone by now. Off in Alaska or somewhere.

She asked if he was actually in Alaska. hah. I told her no. Forgetting that that had been a joke between us, about him moving to Alaska.

Oh well. I’m sure these kinds of things will continue to come up for a while.
Kinda like the way I still think about coffeeguy every time I hear a Spill Canvas song.
Maybe that won’t ever go away.

rose.
11:53pm

Last updated January 18, 2015