School, Steve, sleep-deprived. in Since OD is shutting down....

Alright so school started up yesterday and so far, so good. I like my on-campus class and the instructor. Everyone is more talkative in this class, probably the most talkative class I’ve had so far and it’s pretty comfortable. I don’t have any homework in that class but I do have homework in my online classes but until I get financial aid, I’m kinda stuck. I will get them tomorrow however. I might just end up renting them as even for them used are like $150 and that is just ridiculous. I like just owning my books and not have to worry if they got lost or something but I have other things I need to pay and I’m not going to get as much as I thought.

I still plan to put down a good chunk on my car but maybe not pay it off quite yet. It ran kinda funky on Friday and had it checked out so I’m nervous about paying it off at the moment. I’m going to pay a good portion but I also want to pay of a credit card and I’m not going to lie, it would be super fucking nice to get my hair done. I’ve never had my hair done professionally and I know a couple of places that would do it for me fairly cheap so I might think about doing it. I never waste money and am always very cautious about what I am spending but because I NEVER get to do anything like this, I think it’s in order.

OK so I got to see my niece for a couple of hours last night. We just played in her room, colored and I traced her hands and feet. I can’t get over how much her toes are shaped just like mine, she’s truly my little mini me even though she’s my brother’s kid. I love her so much and I felt so bad that I missed seeing her over the weekend. She’s such a great kid and hanging out with her means everything to me. I just can’t get over how much she’s like me and it’s just such a cool thing! I plan to get her this weekend, even if it’s just to hang out for a couple of hours. I really missed her and she missed me too.

For whatever reason yesterday, I got super anxious and lonely. I hated having the day off even though I need to get familiar with my online stuff but once I got done, I was just fucking bored. I cleaned my house, made lasagna, listened to music on Pandora and texted some people but it was driving me crazy just being alone here in my house! I know that it’s because I’ve been so busy lately with work, school, and spending the night with Steve that it just didn’t seem comfortable for me to be doing nothing at home. It was making me start to panic and then I just had to calm myself down enough to take a nap.

Later, I spent the night with Steve. He has this thing where I will text him like 2 or 3 times before he will respond and that annoys me. I spent the night and he didn’t give me a kiss when I got there, didn’t really talk to me too much, wouldn’t go to bed with me and barely cuddled with me all night. He did kiss me before I passed out but I’ve just never had someone not be more vocal or openly affectionate like this and it makes me wonder if he’s hiding something or he’s just not that into me. Maybe I’m just thinking too far into it considering we’ve known each other like a week but something just doesn’t seem right. I’ve always kinda overlooked things in the past for different reasons and I don’t want to do that again so that’s probably why I’m trying to look for reasons to be on guard and either I should be or not but either way, I’m going to back off for now and let him start being more assertive like asking me to spend the night and what not.

I honestly think it’s me though. Maybe I’m just insecure. I just don’t think it’s possible for a decent guy to be genuinely interested in me without some kind of sketchy shit going on behind the scenes. I just think I need to back off and let him start showing me that he likes me and wants me around because I just feel like I’ve already tried too fucking hard. I honestly don’t believe him and I are on the same page and until he shows me otherwise, I’m planning to not contact him anymore. I didn’t plan on it yesterday but for whatever reason, my anxiety was more than I could handle and I just wanted to see him. I won’t make that mistake again tonight.

Ugh, I’m just exhausted. I didn’t get to sleep at his house until after 1am, woke up for a few minutes at like 4 and then my alarm went off at like 7am. He asked me when I woke up when I would be leaving and that kinda bothered me. I know that he said he had some business he needed to take care of with his landlord but it just seemed like he was concerned with when I would be leaving and it made me feel like I wasn’t wanted. I plan on getting a nap in before work today or I’m not going to make it. I know that part of the reason why I couldn’t sleep was because he didn’t go to bed with me again and I didn’t feel comfortable because even when he did come to bed, he didn’t cuddle with me and I was starting to get used to him putting his arm around me and I could feel the warmth of his belly on me and I didn’t get that until like 5 this morning.

Laundry is done so I’m gonna go nap before work. I have to clock in as a manager for a couple of hours when I get there because someone is going to be late. More later.