real talk. real talk, here. in poetry

Nothing Kills A Crush Like Mentioning Jesus
A Beautiful Woman Takes The Stage
And Her Looks Are Intriguing
And Her Voice Is Beguiling
Then She Mutters Something About Bearing Witness
And The Goddamn Moment Is Shot
Because

Nothing Kills A Crush Like Mentioning Jesus
She Could Say “I Eat Babies Whole”
And You Could Think
“Well, You Know, She’s Hot”
“We Could Get Her Therapy”
“There Are Very Good Medicines Now”
“I Could Fill The Baby-Shaped Space In Her Stomach”
“With My Love”
“She Is Hot Enough To Try”
You Could Think That
If She’s Hot Enough
But

Nothing Kills A Crush Like Mentioning Jesus
You Just Wanna Giggle
She Might As Well Have Said
“This Next Song Is About How I Found”
“YOUR BONER IS DEAD”
“I Was In Church One Day And I Realized”
“I AM A JUDGMENTAL CRAZY PERSON”
“AND THERE IS ZERO FUN IN A FUTURE THAT INCLUDES ME”
“EVERYTHING WILL BE ABOUT IMAGINARY STUFF”
“IN AN INCREDIBLY SERIOUS WAY”
“MY ENTIRE LIFE IS DEVOTED”
“TO BEING VERY SERIOUS ABOUT STUFF THAT DOESN’T EXIST”
And Anyway

Nothing Kills A Crush Like Mentioning Jesus
Pharmacies Have To Hang Up A Sign On The Wall
“Beautiful Women Can’t Talk About Jesus Here”
Because If They Do
All The Viagra In The Bottles In The Back
Explodes At Once
It Negates The Viagra And Explodes
Pharmacists Have Been Horribly Maimed
Do You Know How Many Batman Villains
Used To Be Mild-Mannered Pharmacists
Before A Beautiful Woman Mentioned Jesus
Detonating The Viagra
Turning Them Into Disfigured Psychopaths?
Seven
Even The Joker Feels Bad For Them
There’s A Whole Wing Of Arkham Asylum
Devoted To Spree Killers
Driven Mad By Exploding Viagra Scars
Detonated By Beautiful Women
Mentioning Jesus
Because It Is The Exact Cosmic Opposite
Of Being Turned On?
Because

Nothing Kills A Crush Like Mentioning Jesus
You Don’t Understand
Dilithium Crystals Don’t Power Starships
They Just Focus The Energy
Channel It Into The Phasers And Engines
But At The Middle Of The Warp Core
There’s Just A Beautiful Woman Mentioning Jesus
And The Power Flowing From The Engineering Staff’s
Balls Shriveling Away
And That Energy Flows Into The Engine
And Then They Violate The Laws Of Time And Space
Through Its Awesome Power

Because
Nothing Kills A Crush Like Mentioning Jesus
Nothing
Nothing
Nothing