I'm In this Prison You Built For You... in I'm About To Have A Nervous Breakdown

I came here to blah…but only blahed

The above line was saved from the last time I attempted to come here and write something. It feels like things are building up on me again and I’m stressing out too much., I’m still having issues at work…it is driving me mad to the point that I want to pull my hair out. I’m so scared one day that they’ll just waltz up to me and say, “Hey, you’re co-op is over, later.” That piece of burning ember upon my mind glows hot day and night. Today was bad. I don’t even want to get into it…I’m just so damned frustrated…

This has been a topic in my appointments. Outlets…I’ve got her number to call and e-mail address but I think I’m going to be OK. Like usual, I put up my defense barrier and ride it out.

The morale is so low at my job…I’m not sure if I even want to do this anymore…
The plant manager is so fucking fake I see right through those gleaming white teeth he flashes at me when I pass by him. He reminds me of the Smiler from Transmetropolitan. A smile with an empty suit void of all humanity and decency. I get off for school but the other guys have been working straight six days for months and as of the last two weeks this Sunday off. I’m completely dumbfounded at the, “us vs them,” mentality that it is. We don’t even do eight hours on Saturday anymore, it’s become a ten hour day as well. What the fuck have I gotten myself into?

There is that and I feel completely isolated some days. I know there are people on my contacts lists who are probably tired of my daily texts but damn…when the days are especially bad just knowing I can vent helps…

I’m just really tired…

At night when I sleep I get confusing and lurid dreams about the past, present, and future. Dead family and old neighborhoods haunt me like a ghost, through the fog headlights and exotic locations and bad decisions from when I was piss drunk lurk around every corner. I get sleep. But I sure as hell don’t feel like I’ve rested.

An older guy at work says I have no reason to be stressed. The Walking Dead was on Sunday and during commercial break a Blue Moon advertisement comes on. I could taste it. The soft sweetness of the alcohol mixed with that hint of citrus from the orange. My fucking mouth watered and I thought, “I’m never going to get used to this feeling.” It’s just weird. But the fact that a commercial can do that OF COURSE when I have a bad day and all the negativity is buzzing around up there my instant reaction is, “wah wah get a beer” I don’t want to go back to A.A. when I’m stressed because it is a very difficult pill to swallow when is filled with so much God shit.

It’s 5:31 PM.
I have a headache…and math test to study for…and I’ve not eaten since 11 AM and that was only half a sandwich and part of a soda. Usually by now I’ve had at least a BIT more than that.

I’m not gonna pull my hair out, I’m not gonna pull my hair out, I’m not gonna pull my hair out, etc…

Last updated March 18, 2015