maybe its not my self esteem maybe its because I'm surrounded by assholes in Riverdale

Lately I’ve been feeling kind of low and depressed. It peaks certain hours than I’m fine and baseline and happy even again.

I’ve realized part of the issue comes from what I surround myself around. People things media and music.

I know for myself if I am in a really low place not to exuberate it. I’ve learned to be aware of my window of tolerance with certain graphic songs movies clips people places etc…

But what I wasn’t really aware of until now is the more stubtle influences on facebook and “meaning well people” and the unchecked thoughts that immediately put my into a tailspin on anxiety depression anger low self worth. Focusing so much on what others are doing in the mainstream and wanting and expecting so mych of myself for goals and things I don’t even want deep down anyways.

I’ve been sick for awhile now with a cold about three weeks and during that time I’ve had to avoid basically the only things that have helped me cope. Smoking drinking bars outside and other people mostly. At first it was kind of depressing and agony.

But now I realize that it happened for a reason its my bodies way of telling me to slow down. To take stock and take care of myself and to be careful with my heart my mind my body lately.

Before I was just kind of going through the motions and I wasn’t aware about the thinthings that were causing me distress.I was too numbed out emotionally to care.

But now that I am sobered up by choice for now my choices and ideas and insights have changed and I’ve become more sensitive and intuitive to the things around me. Which sucks but it doesn’t.

Its more likely a better thing in the long run really. Instead of like being all high off life and numbed out and reckless than have the ball dropped and everything come crashing down.it pretty much already has over the last few months anyway.

So I am physically getting better but more importantly I am getting emotionally better.

Been watching a few movies and tv shows. Orphan black.texas buyers club.new girl. Wentworth.etc.

I really been more hungry lately too. I really wanna bake cookies tomm.