I need this in Random Thoughts

There is so much to say, and journaling is the only way I have ever been able to get it all out. I don’t even know how to start.

I came back to bellingham because it has been a while. I also have been dealing with emotional issues. I am currently engaged to my boyfriend, but off and on am devastated about our relationship. He is not as kind and thoughtful as I need. It keeps reminding me of mark, who was the most kind and thoughtful boyfriend I have ever had the pleasure to be in a relationship with. Everything brings me back to bellingham and mark. And mark.... Who thinks I am the most amazing woman in the world. Who is so sorry for the end of our relationship, who wishes we had those children I wanted. Who is 51 and 13 years older than me.... Who would take loving care of me and a child (ren). But we broke up in 2009. It’s been....5....franking years.... But all I want is what I wanted. Someone to love me. Be kind and thoughtful. A child.

And here I am engaged to someone I love. But not someone who is kind and loving and thoughtful. Someone I worry can’t handle the stress of a marriage and child…someone I have given so many chances to make it work.

I know it sounds like.... “Well, duh, what are you doing and who should you be with?” At the same time, ....wellll.... Part of it is that I just heard this from Mark. I did not know that he regretted the end of our relationship and wished he had children.

I am so conflicted. So hurt. So far away from my own home. So ready to take the next hurt o get from my current relationship as an excuse. But then, it’s me. I have such self doubt. Self. Doubt. I hurt. I don’t know what to do.

Maybe just run away.