2015 in meh...

Once upon a time, I used to hang on the superstition that however you bring in the new year, that’s how your year will be. I don’t know if it was by design or if it’s true, or if I just sabotaged myself, but I manage to want to do something to celebrate the coming of a new year and end up alone and in the bed before the stroke of midnight. I partially attribute that to being old.

One year, I was supposed to meet a friend at our favorite club. They charged $10 to get in and when I got in she had already left because she was sick. I didn’t know that though and I brought in the new year alone in a club.

One year, my best friend and I got drunk in her basement, passed out before the new year began. Another basement new year was that she had gotten married that night, I was her maid of honor, and since she and her husband had been living together anyway and it was his birthday, we just chilled in the basement looking online at blogs and other stuff. This was the night she fell over in the chair and if you had been there you’d have been laughing as hard as we were.

Other new years have seen me sad and in bed sleeping. One saw me in the basement of my kids grandmother’s house crying because I knew my ex, their father was up to no good. He didn’t love me and I knew it at that moment. He just had to go to a party and leave me behind. Thought I was content to stay there with everyone else when I wanted to be with him. He had already been dangling me on a string. When he got back I told him to just take me home since the kids were sleeping.

These last few years though, I’ve just been at home, cooking, listening to music, drinking and singing at my home with my kids. This year could have been better. There were no visitors. My son was trying to keep me awake then he gave up on me. I woke up to the sound of text messages maybe 20 minutes after the new year. I cooked, I got drunk. No music. No singing. I wanted to be a party. I wanted to dance in the new year, but no. That didn’t happen.

I sent Him a heart felt text. He sent me one that made me cry. Very sweet and it made me emotional thinking that I will be letting him go soon. I sent other text messages to other friends. I called my mom. I woke up and popped my champagne bottle and was drinking and watching movies and snacking until late afternoon. I think that Crown Royal Regal Apple gave me heartburn. I then made fried chicken (already fried, just warmed up) black eyed peas and rice & cabbage for dinner. My uncle called me and told me he had something for me. I thought it was sweet. I’ve been thinking about all the good fortune I’ve been receiving lately. My friend brought me a sandwich from one of our favorite spots together when he worked with me. I’ve been able to do somethings for people I care about and that makes me feel the best.

I keep thinking, though, that no one loves me. No one will ever love me. I sometimes think that people are just so used to me going along with everything that when I want to break off and do my own thing they don’t know how to handle it. I’m a needy person, but I’m determined to not have to depend on a soul. I have friends who say Just called when you need something. And when I do, they can never help. So I I slip into what I call “Fuck It” mode and get it done myself or I just won’t do it.

At any rate, I think about how alone I feel. I moved for me. Not so that I could really get away from everyone. When I was more accessible, it’s not like anyone came to visit me often anyway. No one is ever honest with me about what ever they feel the need to be honest about. Yes I’m an emotional person, but if it’s something I need to hear then by all means tell me. I am apt to listening to hear what people have to say about me. No one but my grandson comes to visit with me. I’m not asking anyone to move in. Just come see about me. They know I have an open door policy. As long as I’m home, which I usually am, they don’t have to call if they want to come over. If I had a car, when I had a car, I was always visiting someone. I understand though. Most of my friends are now married or in relationships. The ones that aren’t don’t have kids my age or they don’t have kids at all. I do still have an obligation to my son, but I want my life to be more than that. I don’t have anything stable in my life. No family. No friends. I have friends and family, but nothing seems solid anymore and I’m feeling isolated and I don’t want to be.

Everytime I blog, I seem to just keep veering away from my original thoughts. Or maybe I’m just expounding on my real feelings. I hate that whole victim feeling, the wounded feeling.

Anyway, I will be starting school in two weeks. I’m excited about that, I am. This will be what I need. This is what I need.

Until next time.
Kindest regards for a happy new year,
Sister